The WORST episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!
Every episode of 'Allo 'Allo! ever, ranked from worst to best by thousands of votes from fans of the show. The worst episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!!
In this spoof of World War II, René Artois runs a café in German-occupied France. He always seems to have his hands full: he's having affairs with most of his waitresses, he's keeping his wife happy, he's trying to please the German soldiers who frequent his café, and he's running a major underground operation for the Resistance.
#1 - The Dreaded Circular Saw
Season 5 - Episode 4 - Aired 9/24/1988
The plan to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain goes bad when Edith puts the smoke bomb in the wrong chimney of the château, forcing René and Leclerc to blow up the safe in the midst of chaos different to they had originally planned. During the escape, René and Leclerc are captured by the Communist Resistance. Helga is ordered by the Colonel to be Lieutenant Gruber's best friend, but during their not-so-romantic tête-à-tête, Edith and the servant girls steal the Lieutenant's little tank to try and rescue René.
#2 - Camp Dance
Season 4 - Episode 2 - Aired 11/14/1987
Dressed as girls from the Folies Bergère, the entire gang (the staff and the Germans) escape from the prisoner-of-war camp, and completely against plans bring the two British airmen with them. Outside again, the Colonel finds that the Captain is missing; only his glasses are found. Herr Flick and Von Smallhousen intercept a message from London and try to send their own, but René catches on and tosses the radio out of the window, which leaves the Resistance without a means to contact London, until Michelle suggests the radio in Lieutenant Gruber's little tank.
#3 - The Funeral
Season 1 - Episode 5 - Aired 10/5/1984
René tries to go back to his normal life after his fake execution, posing as his twin brother, also named René, but the funeral arrangements are difficult when there is no body. Monsieur Leclerc is cheaper than the regular priest and the coffin is filled with anti-tank bombs.
#4 - The Sausage in the Wardrobe
Season 3 - Episode 3 - Aired 12/19/1986
After Maria is sent to Lieutenant Gruber with the sausage containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna for copying, she is caught by General Von Klinkerhoffen, who places the sausage in his wardrobe and holds Maria hostage until his motor mower engine is returned by the Resistance. Herr Flick, the Colonel, the Captain and René hear about this and decide to go to the chateau through the secret passage and steal the sausage from under the General's nose, using Helga, Yvette and Lieutenant Gruber as a honey trap.
#5 - Firing Squashed
Season 8 - Episode 5 - Aired 2/16/1992
Michelle organises a meeting with the Communist Resistance to discuss future propaganda. A fight starts over René. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber escape in the confusion and head for the Café René. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen almost meet their maker in front of a firing squad.
#6 - Dead Man Marching
Season 9 - Episode 3 - Aired 11/23/1992
Alternative title: "René Artois Is Still Dead" Michelle decides to smuggle René to England, since the Germans still think that he's dead. A parade through the town is being held in René's memory. René disguises himself as Officer Crabtree so that he can get to the town museum to hide until he can catch the plane to England. When the planned trip falls through, René decides to give himself up to the Germans. He pretends that he has amnesia caused by the explosion at the windmill.
#7 - Awful Wedded Wife
Season 8 - Episode 4 - Aired 2/2/1992
The batteries being used to power the Resistance's mobile radio station need more lead. Monsieur Alphonse, Officer Crabtree, Mimi and Yvette attempt to steal some lead from the church roof. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are disguised as Hitler and Goering so that they can be seen driving out of the area. They are ambushed and captured by the Communist Resistance.
#8 - A Woman Never Lies
Season 8 - Episode 2 - Aired 1/19/1992
Michelle now has the photograph of Lieutenant Gruber holding the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna'. She blackmails the Germans, demanding ten million francs for the return of the photograph. Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Helga plan to hijack a German pay truck to get the money to recover the photograph. Herr Flick uses a truth drug on Helga and learns about the planned robbery. He and Von Smallhausen decide to rob the truck themselves. They arrive just after the robbery has taken place and are arrested as the culprits.
#9 - The Policeman Cometh
Season 2 - Episode 3 - Aired 11/4/1985
We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as the airmen-filled cow narrowly escapes being milked by a German patrol while awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch in disappointment, the plane does not land, and instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new escape package; the other, Officer Crabtree, sent from "British Ontelligence Headquitters". Disguised as a policeman, he is supposed to blend in. Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not. Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to Hitler has hit a snag: René can't find anyone to blow up the train.
#10 - Train of Events
Season 5 - Episode 22 - Aired 1/28/1989
The Resistance blows up the train using some of the exploding Christmas puddings. René still has General Von Klinkerhoffen's gold. The general doesn't know it's missing because Officer Crabtree has gummed up the lock on the safe. Lieutenant Gruber is ordered to collect the safe in his 'little tank' and take it to the general's château. The general has also taken the statue containing the real paintings from Colonel Von Strohm's office. René tries to blow open the safe using one of the exploding Christmas puddings. He manages to blow up Gruber's 'little tank', along with Captain Bertorelli.
#11 - The Great Un-Escape
Season 3 - Episode 6 - Aired 1/9/1987
While the Captain is sitting in the café, Herr Flick of the Gestapo is listening when René is talking to London on the wireless. He soon cracks the code of the message as the plan to dig a tunnel from the mortuary to hide the British airmen. But it's soon apparent that the two airmen and Monsieur Alphonse need help with the digging, and the café staff are called in, leaving Madame Fanny and Leclerc in the café. But the Colonel and the Captain follow René, discover the tunnel, and are captured in the prisoner-of-war camp.
#12 - Pretty Maids All in a Row
Season 3 - Episode 5 - Aired 1/2/1987
After the plot to get the two British airmen out failed, a frustrated René returns to the painting of the Fallen Madonna. He hides it behind an ugly painting in his café which is immediately recognised by General Von Klinkerhoffen as a Van Gogh and requisitioned for his office in the chateau. He also requisitions the two new maids in Café René – or as they are better known: the two British airmen in disguise. Realising that the two airmen will be recognised right away, Michelle of the Resistance comes up with another harebrained scheme of digging a tunnel from Monsieur Alphonse's mortuary into the prisoner-of-war camp and smuggling in the two airmen.
#13 - Swiftly and with Style
Season 2 - Episode 4 - Aired 11/11/1985
After failing to destroy the train, which will take the copy of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies to Hitler, René and the Captain are captured by the Resistance, only to be rescued by Herr Flick. The Colonel and the Captain are afraid that Hitler will understand that the painting is a copy, and prepare to escape to Switzerland. In the meantime, British agent in disguise, Officer Crabtree, has a new escape plan for the British airmen.
#14 - No Hiding Place
Season 5 - Episode 7 - Aired 10/15/1988
Alternative name: "Post-Matrimonial Depression" Denise Laroque escapes from the mineshaft and leads her Communist Resistance fighters in an attack on the Café René. The staff pretend that René is dead so that he can go into hiding disguised as his own father. Colonel Von Strohm orders Helga to find René and protect him, since he's the only person who knows where the original paintings are hidden. The Communist Resistance recaptures René. Denise decides that he wasn't responsible for the wedding fiasco. She announces her intention to kill Edith, Yvette and Mimi instead.
#15 - The Dance of Hitler Youth
Season 1 - Episode 7 - Aired 10/26/1984
The Colonel's birthday party is the perfect opportunity to retrieve the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies from Herr Flick, and substitute it with the forgery. The plan is to not invite Herr Flick but make sure that he hears about the big binge – a traditional feast with genuine Bavarian dances featuring girls dressed as the Hitler Youth – so that he will have to come. In the meantime, René and Edith are to enter the office of Herr Flick to make the switch. Of course, they fail – which means Herr Flick now has both the fake and the original plus a second forgery, which he commissioned in order to fund his marriage with Helga after the war.
#16 - An Almighty Bang
Season 7 - Episode 2 - Aired 1/12/1991
Monsieur Alphonse, who made the Murphy bed, arrives to pry the couple out while Mimi tries to feed them soup through a hole using a bellows. Meanwhile, Von Flockenstuffen reveals his plans to kidnap Churchill, pulling rank on the recovering Von Klinkerhoffen. Herr Flick has Von Smallhausen sprung from prison and the pair arrive just as the dynamite goes off in their faces and frees the newlyweds. That night, as Von Flockenstuffen is being entertained in the café, Helga and Bertorelli spring Von Klinkerhoffen. Von Flockenstuffen demands to visit the cellar, taking with him one of the dynamite candles. Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to relieve him just as the candle goes off.
#17 - The Confusion of the Generals
Season 5 - Episode 11 - Aired 11/12/1988
The Germans now suspect the French general of trying to poison the German generals, so René is reprieved. Herr Flick is in traction after being blown up when René's false nose exploded. General Von Klinkerhoffen plans to continue the Generals' Conference with local peasants disguised as German generals at the château and the real generals disguised as peasants in the Café René. He thinks that the Resistance will blow up the peasants, thinking that they're the real generals. Michelle arrives at the café to say that a group of British airmen, disguised as onion sellers, will arrive shortly. The German generals also arrive dressed as onion sellers. There's an air raid and, in the confusion, the wrong group of onion sellers is sent off to England.
#18 - Otherwise Engaged
Season 5 - Episode 5 - Aired 10/1/1988
Alternative name: "Enter Denise" Denise, the head of the Communist Resistance, who was René's sweetheart in his childhood in Nancy, is now determined to marry René. Meanwhile, Edith and the servant girls have to explain to the Lieutenant why his little tank has crashed into the pissoir, and end up receiving Gruber's compassion. René has a difficult time telling Edith that he will marry Denise, since Monsieur Alphonse has asked for Edith's hand, and Yvette has it in her heart to tell Edith that René will marry her instead.
#19 - The Duel
Season 2 - Episode 5 - Aired 11/18/1985
René tries to hide from the seconds of Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, but in his stead Lieutenant Gruber accepts the duel. However, the Colonel and the Captain want to save René and plan an exercise to "accidentally" kill Monsieur Alphonse. The plan is thwarted by Herr Flick, who has discovered that the sausage that was sent to Berlin containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies did not contain any painting - either real or fake. Herr Flick correctly assumes that the Colonel and the Captain stole the painting, and arrests them and cancels the exercise. Now René has to fight the duel on his own, while Yvette and Maria grieve on the sidelines and his wife Edith catches up on the gossip of the week.
#20 - Gruber Does Some Mincing
Season 3 - Episode 2 - Aired 12/12/1986
The sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, which was taken by Lieutenant Gruber's dog, is minced by the Lieutenant – but fortunately he discovers it first and saves it. At the same time, the missing knockwurst means that Monsieur Alphonse cannot get back the money which he lent to pay the ransom of the stolen sausage. The Resistance pays him back with Monsieur Leclerc's badly forged money. But after everything seems to be getting back to normal, the sausage is sent to Lieutenant Gruber to make another copy. Also, Michelle's latest plan to get the British airmen back is by an old plane with the engine from General Von Klinkerhoffen's motor mower.
#21 - Up the Crick Without a Piddle
Season 7 - Episode 4 - Aired 1/26/1991
René and an airsick Edith land in England where British Intelligence tries to find out why they aren't the airmen. An officer from Deep Intelligence is brought in, and he turns out to be none other than Hans Geering. In the intervening time, Hans has become a British citizen with his knowledge of the Nazi army. At No.10 Downing Street, Churchill desires to meet René and Edith, who he awards medals and citations. However, Edith decides to return home after discovering that Fanny and Leclerc are ruining the bar. They are flown over Nouvion, the bomb door opens and the two of them are dropped out of the plane, arriving back at the café just before they are to be arrested for being out past curfew.
#22 - The Nicked Knockwurst
Season 3 - Episode 1 - Aired 12/5/1986
After the Colonel makes René promise not to have further contact with the Resistance, Herr Flick's sausage (containing the forgery of the Fallen Madonna) is stolen by the Communist Resistance. The Colonel and the Captain are anxious that it isn't revealed that they have switched the paintings, and order René to come up with the ransom, which Edith gets from Monsieur Alphonse. The ransom is to be left by René and his staff, dressed as German soldiers. But the whole thing is watched by German soldiers dressed as French policemen, the Gestapo dressed as French Resistance girls, and the Colonel and the Captain dressed as trees. And of course, Lieutenant Gruber stumbles upon the meeting, and his dog can't help but chase the sausage.
#23 - Herr Flick's Revenge
Season 2 - Episode 6 - Aired 11/25/1985
Having ran away from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, René hides. He's rescued by Michelle of the Resistance who smuggles him back into the café dressed as a member of the Resistance, while she explains to Monsieur Alphonse that René is the bravest man in France. But Herr Flick has captured the Colonel and the Captain, and brings in René as well, and threatens to torture them unless they reveal where the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies is hidden. They are rescued by General Von Klinkerhoffen. With life back to normal, there's only the matter of getting the British airmen out. As the General imposes a curfew, Michelle's plan is a funeral for Madame Fanny.
#24 - Swan Song
Season 8 - Episode 7 - Aired 3/1/1992
British troops rescue René and Edith just as they're about to be executed. Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc, thinking that René and Edith are now dead, take all of the money they can find in the café and head for Paris. General Von Klinkerhoffen now has the compromising photograph of the Lieutenant with the painting, so Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber decide to head for Spain with the travelling flamenco troupe. Before leaving, they meet Herr Flick to swap the painting for the ransom money. Herr Flick gives them a bundle of newspaper and they give him the 'missing booby'.
#25 - Ribbing the Bonk
Season 5 - Episode 13 - Aired 11/26/1988
René, Mimi, Monsieur Leclerc, Lieutenant Gruber, Colonel Von Strohm and the Italian soldiers are being held prisoner by the Communist Resistance. René and Leclerc are released so that they can go and collect a million francs ransom for the release of the Germans and Italians. General Von Klinkerhoffen won't pay the ransom, so René and company decide to rob the local bank. They end up trapped in the strongroom and have to blow their way out.