The BEST episodes written by Jeremy Lloyd
#1 - Things That Go Bump In the Night
Grace & Favour - Season 1 - Episode 5
Since none of the applicants from the previous episode were suitable, the staff assume the duties of barman, chambermaid, etc.
#2 - The Gestapo for the High Jump
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 6 - Episode 2
Lieutenant Gruber warns René about a Gestapo plan to pose as British airmen. Meanwhile, General Von Klinkerhoffen has decided to adopt a similar plan and orders some of Captain Bertorelli's men to be dropped from a plane dressed as British airmen. The Italians are dropped by parachute. They wander off and get lost. René and the women from the café disguise themselves as characters from horror films so that Herr Flick can't recognise them when he and Von Smallhausen are brought to the "secret Resistance headquarters".
#3 - Going Like a Bomb
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 17
René escapes from the hospital and makes his way back to the café. Herr Flick sends Von Smallhausen undercover to the hospital mortuary to look for the Gestapo money. Meanwhile Helga has discovered that the money is forged. It's stuffed down Captain Bertorelli's trousers so that he can take it back to the café. Michelle reveals a new plan for the British airmen to escape in giant landmines, which will be dropped over England.
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#4 - The Jet-Propelled Mother-in-Law
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 4 - Episode 6
The Germans arrest René, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, René is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen. Meanwhile, the British have sent a spy camera with which the Resistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse, and since the Germans commandeered the vineyard, the Resistance cannot go and look for the camera. This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the General's life.
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#5 - Looking For Staff
Grace & Favour - Season 1 - Episode 4
A group of American tourists, the hotel's first guests, are due to arrive at the weekend but there are still very few replies to Mr. Rumbold's advert for staff. The only alternative is for them all to knuckle down and try to make the place presentable.
#6 - The Execution
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 1 - Episode 4
Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture René, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, Leclerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means René's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!
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#7 - A Winkle in Time
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 9 - Episode 6
Alternative title: "The End of the War" Allied troops are now approaching Nouvion. The two British airmen, who've been shot down again, arrive back at the café. Next day, the Allies finally arrive in the village. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber disguise themselves as British airmen but are arrested. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen try to escape in a midget submarine but are also captured. René is given a medal by the Allies. The scene shifts to the 'present'. Gruber, now a rich international art dealer, pays a visit to the café accompanied by Helga. The missing painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' finally comes to light when an arm is accidentally broken off the statue of René outside the café. While everyone is arguing over the painting, René makes yet another attempt to elope with Yvette.
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#8 - Leg it to Spain!
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 7
The barrels which are to be used in the latest escape plan are hidden in the cellar of Café René. René has to give the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to Colonel Von Strohm. The painting then falls into the hands of General Von Klinkerhoffen. The General decides to have his photograph taken at the café so that it can be published in the newspaper. He asks to see the wine cellar. When he finds two large wine barrels, he orders them to be taken to his château. Unfortunately, the airmen are hiding inside.
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#9 - All in Disgeese
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 26
British Intelligence sends experts, disguised as policemen, to examine the Enigma machine. General Von Klinkerhoffen announces that René will be shot if the machine isn't handed back to the Germans. Herr Flick arrests Edith, Yvette, and Mimi and uses a truth serum on them. This makes Mimi act rather strangely.
#10 - The Sausages in the Trousers
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 4 - Episode 5
There are still no batteries for the wireless radio underneath the bed of René's mother-in-law, so Michelle's newest harebrained scheme is to have René and Yvette powering it with the generator from a bicycle until the stolen batteries from a German miniature submarine are delivered. The Lieutenant has finished copying the paintings (The Fallen Madonna and the Van Gogh) and delivers them as sausages. Numerous other sausages also arrive: real ones from Captain Bertorelli, submarine batteries from Leclerc, and explosives from Officer Crabtree, and soon they're all mixed up in the German officers' trousers!
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#11 - René - Under an Assumed Nose
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 10
The long distance duck is recovered. It was only stunned when Captain Bertorelli shot it. The photograph René took of the invasion map was useless. He decides to leave the Resistance. Michelle tries to dissuade him by telling him she's madly in love with him. Lieutenant Gruber is ordered to arrest René for the attempted poisoning of the Generals. Rene disguises himself as the French General in an attempt to escape the threatened firing squad. Monsieur Leclerc makes him a false nose using plastic explosive, which is accidentally ignited. René throws it out of the window and it 'blows up' Herr Flick.
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#12 - Who's for the Vatican?
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 12
Luckily for René, the German generals end up in Berlin rather than England. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber tell René that he must recover the paintings from the Communist Resistance headquarters. René disguises himself as a Franciscan vicar and sets off with Mimi in a pram, disguised as a baby. Meanwhile, Helga is also heading for the headquarters disguised as a nurse, pushing Herr Flick, also disguised as a baby. The Italians storm the headquarters and are captured by the Communist Resistance. René manages to recover the paintings but is caught by Denise Laroque and her Communist Resistance.
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#13 - The Spirit of Nouvion
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 6
The Germans have found out about the telegraph pole escape plan, so the Resistance plan to use wine barrels instead. Michelle decides to steal the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' from Herr Flick so that it can be sold to raise funds for the Resistance. René and company tunnel into Herr Flick's office just as Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Captain Bertorelli break in. René gets covered in flour and Gruber thinks he's being haunted by Rene's dead 'twin brother' again. The Germans run away and René steals the painting.
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#14 - Watch the Birdie
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 9
It's the day of the Generals' conference. The long distance duck is let loose and Captain Bertorelli shoots it. A French General stops off at the café on his way to the château and is paralysed by Mimi. Officer Crabtree takes his place. At the conference, the Generals eat some 'mints' which are actually 'foam at the mouth' pills. In the ensuing confusion, René manages to photograph a map of the planned invasion.
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#15 - The Exploding Bedpan
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 16
Monsieur Alphonse is being interrogated by the Gestapo about the forged money. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are afraid that they'll be implicated in the theft of the money, so they plan to have Monsieur Alphonse poisoned before he talks. His dicky ticker results in him being sent to hospital. René pretends to have food poisoning so that he can get into the hospital as part of a plan to rescue Monsieur Alphonse.
#16 - The British 'ave Come
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 1 - Episode 1
Alternative name: "The Fallen Madonna" The Colonel and the Captain mull over their situation and decide they should probably hand over René and the painting to the Gestapo in order to get rid of Herr Flick. But René convinces them that they could hand over a forged copy of the painting instead (with the assistance of a conveniently-located forger), and gets them to lend their uniforms to the escaping British airmen so they can take the painting to England to be forged. Meanwhile, everyone keeps handing René poison pills "to make it easier", Herr Flick decides his relationship with Helga should include an intimate dinner in René's back room, and Hans figures out that putting cheese in one's ears improves the sound of Madame Edith's singing.
#17 - The Airmen De-Nicked
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 6 - Episode 5
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are interrogated by the General for impersonating army officers but released on the orders of Himmler - thanks to Helga. A party of intelligence officers are visiting and the Resistance plan to hijack their car, steal their uniforms and infiltrate the château to rescue the airmen. René and Edith are the reluctant 'intelligence officers' and the plan works fairly well until the couple find themselves handcuffed to the airmen whilst the key is in Berlin.
#18 - The Nouvion Oars
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 6 - Episode 3
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, disguised as British airmen, are arrested by the Germans. Meanwhile, the real British airmen make their way along the canal. They've been told to look out for a goose with flashing eyes and smoke coming out of its tail. René and his staff row out to the estuary to make sure the British airmen get picked up by a waiting British submarine. The Germans have also rowed out to the estuary. The airmen get lost and the submarine leaves without them.
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#19 - Arousing Suspicions
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 8 - Episode 1
The Resistance want René to set up a mobile radio station. The necessary equipment is dropped by a British plane. Unfortunately, it drops down one of the chimneys of the château. René and his staff take the place of a flamenco dance group booked to perform at the château, so that they can retrieve the radio equipment. Lieutenant Gruber has arranged to deliver a photograph of the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to a Spanish art expert who is posing as a member of the real flamenco dance group. Gruber gives the photograph to Monsieur Alphonse, thinking that he's the art expert.
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#20 - Reds Nick Colonel
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 1 - Episode 6
The Communist Resistance want to make a martyr out of the dead René, and kidnap the Colonel and the Captain at the Captain's birthday party. To make matters worse, they offer them on a platter to René's supposed twin brother, so that he can shoot them.
#21 - Crabtree's Podgeon Pist
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 6 - Episode 7
General Von Klinkerhoffen threatens to blow up Nouvion if the airmen aren't handed over. Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc are getting married. Michelle reveals a new plan to send the airmen back to England. A barrage balloon and tanks of helium will be hidden in the marquee set up behind the café for the wedding.
#22 - Savile Row to the Rescue
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 1 - Episode 3
The Colonel, the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the café until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway.
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#23 - The Inheritance
Grace & Favour - Season 1 - Episode 1
Young Mr. Grace has died and the store has closed. On behalf of the Pension Fund Mr. Grace acquired a Tudor Manor house with farm which at the moment is being run as a Country House Hotel. Being the only source of pension money for the retired staff, they all decide to visit for the weekend to investigate its possibilities.
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#24 - The Crooked Fences
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 6 - Episode 6
René, Mimi and the two British airmen are still handcuffed together. They make their way to the police station, hoping that Officer Crabtree can free them. The Germans want to sell the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna'. They order René to find them a fence. A meeting is held, with Monsieur Alphonse posing as the fence and everyone else wearing paper bags on their heads. The painting is exchanged for the gold weight from the cuckoo clock. Later, the Germans decide that they'd rather have cash, so René arranges for the gold to be exchanged for forged currency. The swap is made in the church, in the confessional booth. There's a cockup and the Germans inadvertantly pass the gold on to the priest.
#25 - Desperate Doings in the Dungeon
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 1
Herr Flick is still held in the dungeons, and if he cracks he can divulge that the painting of the Fallen Madonna has been copied. That´s why he must be rescued by Helga, Von Smallhausen, and René - dressed as Himmler. The Colonel and the Lieutenant are ordered by the General to let Herr Flick die in a rescue attempt by the Resistance, but seeing the danger of getting caught in a crossfire, they dress up as Gestapo officers to rescue Herr Flick, only to find René chained up instead.
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#26 - Six Big Boobies
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 2 - Episode 1
After the British airmen are gone for good – or so René thinks – there is still the problem of Herr Flick owning all three copies of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies (the original and two fakes), and while Herr Flick kidnaps Lieutenant Gruber (a former art house worker), the Colonel and the Captain start to plan their next move. All the while, René's widow Edith has found René's will, and being the sole beneficiary, goes on a spending spree with René's money to attract better suitors. And the British airmen return as nuns. They are last seen hidden in the piano.
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#27 - Fleeing Monks
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 3
René is to be given a collaboration medal for his help with the removal of Von Flockenstuffen. Unfortunately, this causes the Communist Resistance to place a price on his head. He decides once again to elope with Yvette. Michelle orders René to take the airmen to the monastery to be picked up by a lightweight plane. Herr Flick also learns of this news, and he and Von Smallhausen have themselves initiated into the brotherhood to gather information and capture the airmen. Unfortunately, René ends up grabbing Edith's hand instead of Yvette's, as the two are rushed aboard the plane bound for England.
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#28 - René of the Gypsies
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 10
The ice cream truck plan has failed, so Michelle suggests holding a gypsy fair in the town centre. Herr Flick has the painting in General Von Klinkerhoffen's office replaced with a forgery. The General discovers the forgery and has Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Captain Bertorelli arrested. René poses as a gypsy fortuneteller in the tent over the sewer grating. A séance is held during which the airmen finally break out of the sewer. Three more airmen emerge from the sewer - apparently they've been lost down there for weeks.
#29 - An Enigma Variation
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 23
General Von Klinkerhoffen has recovered most of his gold from Gruber's tank. René still has four bars, which he melts down and makes into a new weight for the cuckoo clock in the café. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber offer René a deal - they won't look for the missing gold if René recovers their statue from the general's château. Musicians hired to play at the château are detained so that René and company can take their place and seek out the contents of the statue.
#30 - American Tourists
Grace & Favour - Season 1 - Episode 6
A group of American tourists arrive for the weekend as part of their European tour. The ex-shop workers do their best, but the Americans are expecting a church service and the traditional Harvest Thanksgiving Dance.
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#31 - A Quiet Honeymoon
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 1
Leclerc and Fanny are brought down in the town square after the helium runs out, where they are then arrested and sent to prison. Edith manages to forge her own papers to release Fanny and Leclerc, just as Von Smallhausen gets himself arrested to interrogate the couple about the British airmen. Ultimately, the forged papers are discovered, and the newlyweds hide back at the café. Unfortunately, their spring-loaded Murphy bed has now pinned them behind the wall.
#32 - Pigeon Post
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 1 - Episode 2
After the Colonel's and the Captain's uniforms are borrowed by the British airmen, and later burned, they will have to send for replacements. Supplied by Michelle are carrier pigeons, which Madame Edith accidentally cooks and serves to Herr Otto Flick.
#33 - Land Mines for London
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 20
Not only does René nearly get blown up by an exploding Christmas pudding, he also gets roped into another Resistance plan to smuggle out the British airmen. Meanwhile, Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are hiding inside the landmines. The Germans recover the mines and take them back to the airbase. Later they're loaded into a plane and dropped over England, with Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen still inside!
#34 - Take-Over
Are You Being Served? - Season 5 - Episode 5
The staff prevent another firm's hostile takeover of Grace Brothers by impersonating the shareholders. Mr. Harman gives a rousing speech, and Grace Brothers is saved.
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#35 - Flight to Geneva
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 21
The latest escape plan for the British airmen involves them sitting astride a midget submarine wearing diving helmets. René plans to elope with Yvette and the paintings. Before he can leave, Helga arrives and forces him to go with her to the château. Colonel Von Strohm insists on taking the paintings from René. Herr Flick discovers that General Von Klinkerhoffen has sold the paintings for a fortune in gold bars. The gold is stored in the safe at the police station. René steals it. He leaves notes for Edith and Yvette with Monsieur Leclerc, who mixes them up.
#36 - A Duck for Launch
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 15
Herr Flick's uncle, Heinrich Himmler, orders him to recover the forged money which René and company stole from the bank. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as fishmongers to see if anyone is trying to spend forged money. Michelle has spent some of the money on a trip to the hairdresser's and Monsieur Alphonse has been given it in his change, only to later be arrested when he spends some of the forged banknotes. René still has the secret microfilm to contend with, but is hampered by the Communist Resistance girls in the cupboard. Also, the long-distance duck is released for its journey to England.
#37 - The Gestapo Ruins a Picnic
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 5
The airmen are smuggled out of the monastery in sacks of potatoes. Michelle comes up with a new escape plan which involves building a raft out of telegraph poles. General Von Klinkerhoffen decides to restart the local newspaper. René and Monsieur Alphonse are ordered to organise it.
#38 - Soup and Sausage
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 9
Michelle decides to use René's old ice cream truck to rescue the airmen from the sewer. The truck is parked over the sewer grate and Monsieur Alphonse hides underneath so that he can prise off the grate using a chisel. General Von Klinkerhoffen decides to buy some ice cream but ends up covered in it when the winch which is being used to raise the sewer grate causes the pump on the ice cream maker to get stuck full on.
#39 - Mr. Slocombe
Grace & Favour - Season 2 - Episode 3
Mrs. Slocombe's long-lost husband pays an unexpected visit after an absence of 42 years, forcing Mrs. Slocombe into hiding. When the staff find that he intends to purchase the hotel, they temporarily expand the staff to make the idea seem unprofitable.
#40 - Prior Engagements
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 7 - Episode 8
General Von Klinkerhoffen thinks that a mixed marriage between a Frenchwoman and someone from the occupying forces would provide a good propaganda piece for the newspaper. He decides that Captain Bertorelli should marry Edith. A party is arranged at the château so that local dignitaries can meet the 'happy couple'. The Resistance rescues the airmen from the château via an underground river. The airmen end up stuck in a sewer underneath the town centre.
#41 - A Fishful of Francs
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 8 - Episode 6
Colonel Von Strohm stuffs the ten million francs into a large dogfish and releases it into the river so that the Resistance can retrieve it. Monsieur Alphonse catches the fish instead and sells it to the local fishmonger. Von Smallhausen buys the fish and it's served up to Herr Flick and Helga, who finds the money. Herr Flick offers to return it to Colonel Von Strohm in return for the original painting. General Von Klinkerhoffen has René and Edith dressed up as Hitler and Goering so that they can be used as bait to trap the Communist Resistance.
#42 - The Arrival of the Homing Duck
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 8
Alternative name: "The Coming of the Long Distance Duck" René, having been dumped out of the Communist truck, reports to the girls that Denise has vowed to kill them all, so Edith starts hiding in various disguises. Helga reports to Von Strohm that the paintings are in the Communist HQ, so they make plans to attack the Communists and recover the art, using Bertorelli and his just-arrived Italian troops. Von Klinkerhoffen comes to report that the German Generals will be arriving for a conference to plan the British invasion, and René is told by Michelle that he will end up doing the catering for the conference and that he must photograph the plans and send them by duck.
#43 - Desperate Doings in the Graveyard
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 6 - Episode 1
The latest escape plan for the British airmen involves them wading along the canal underneath a tin bath. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen pose as escaped British airmen, hoping to be picked up by the Resistance, who have built a communication post in René's 'grave' in an effort to get around German jamming of their radio signals. René, Edith and Monsieur Alphonse try it out. René gets caught on the aerial and is hoisted above his 'grave'. Lieutenant Gruber sees him and thinks it's the ghost of René's 'twin brother'.
#44 - A Tour de France
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 9 - Episode 2
Alternative title: "Missing and Presumed Dead" René is now a 'love slave' to the girls of the Communist Resistance. Meanwhile, it's assumed that he was killed when the windmill was blown up. Monsieur Alphonse has been commissioned to make a statue of him for the town square. René escapes from the Communist Resistance and heads for the café disguised as an elk. He's shot by the Germans, who are out on a hunting trip.
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#45 - The Nicked Airmen
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 6 - Episode 4
After the plan with the submarine went awry, the British airmen have been captured by the Germans and have been locked in a cell in the château. They'll be transported to Berlin the next day. Gruber gives René the keys to the château and the cell to rescue the airmen because his name could be dropped if the airmen start talking while interrogated. Michelle thinks up a plan involving coffins to rescue the airmen and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen also think up a plan, involving disguising themselves, to get their hands on the airmen.
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#46 - A Marriage of Inconvenience
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 6
René's wedding to Denise is due shortly and he is not too happy about it. Edith has hatched a plan, which requires Michelle and her girls to kidnap Denise. Then, Edith can take her place at the altar and marry René. Edith arranges a romantic dinner for her and René at the café. The next morning, Michelle informs Edith that she has kidnapped Denise and put her in a mine shaft. René is getting ready as Gruber arrives to question him. René assures Gruber and Von Strohm that the paintings are safe.
#47 - Puddings Can Go Off
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 19
The explosive from the landmines is delivered to the Café René, disguised as 500 Christmas puddings. The airmen are busy practising unscrewing the covers of the landmines from inside, so they'll be able to escape and use their parachutes before the landmines hit the ground. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as monks and hide in a church bell tower so that they can keep the café under observation.
#48 - The Camera in the Potato
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 5 - Episode 2
Starting off in women's underwear in the dungeons of the General's castle, René is rescued by Lieutenant Gruber, and comes back just in time to be briefed by Michelle of the Resistance about the camera which will be used to photograph the safe in the château. That night, Helga and the General are supposed to dine at Café René, but Helga is ordered away by Herr Flick, and the General has to endure Edith's "seduction" before he can get away. René can get into the château, but he doesn't know that the safe is in Lieutenant Gruber's room.
#49 - Flight of Fancy
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 3 - Episode 4
With René again in the possession of the sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, attention turns to getting the two British airmen out of France. Michelle's newest harebrained scheme of getting the airmen out is a steam engine tour through Nouvion, and will of course require eighty metres of braces, and it's René's job to get them from every Frenchman in Nouvion. Herr Flick and Helga arrive in his staff car to spy on the show.
#50 - Gone with the Windmill
'Allo 'Allo! - Season 9 - Episode 1
Alternative title: "Fighting with Windmills" Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber fail to escape to Spain. René suggests that they hide in a local windmill and pretend to have been kidnapped. General Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered the windmill to be used for target practice by the German artillery. René rescues the two German officers and is then captured by the Communist Resistance. Herr Flick has had plastic surgery as part of his plan to escape being captured by the Allies.
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