The Best Episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!
In this spoof of World War II, René Artois runs a café in German-occupied France. He always seems to have his hands full: He's having affairs with most of his waitresses, he's keeping his wife happy, he's trying to please the German soldiers who frequent his café, and he's running a major underground operation for the Resistance.
#1 - Enigma's End
Season 5 - Episode 26
British Intelligence sends experts, disguised as policemen, to examine the Enigma machine. General Von Klinkerhoffen announces that René will be shot if the machine isn't handed back to the Germans. Herr Flick arrests Edith, Yvette, and Mimi and uses a truth serum on them. This makes Mimi act rather strangely.
#2 - Pretty Maids All in a Row
Season 3 - Episode 5
After the plot to get the two British airmen out failed, a frustrated René returns to the painting of the Fallen Madonna. He hides it behind an ugly painting in his café which is immediately recognized by General von Klinkerhoffen as a Van Gogh and requisitioned for his office in the chateau. He also requistions the two new maids in Café René - or as they are better known: the two British airmen in disguise. Realizing that the two airmen will be recognized right away, Michelle of the Résistance comes up with another hairbrained scheme of digging a tunnel from Monsieur Alphonse's morgue into the prisoner of war camp and smuggling in the two airmen into the camp.
#3 - The British Are Coming
Season 1 - Episode 1
Rene Artois, owner of the Cafe Rene in the French village of Nouvion, is 'persuaded' by the Resistance to hide two escaping British airmen. Rene is more interested in having affairs with his two waitresses without his wife finding out. The Germans, who are occupying the village, are busy looting anything valuable.
#4 - All Aboard
Season 5 - Episode 21
The latest escape plan for the British airmen involves them sitting astride a midget submarine wearing diving helmets. René plans to elope with Yvette and the paintings. Before he can leave, Helga arrives and forces him to go with her to the chateau. Colonel Von Strohm insists on taking the paintings from René. Herr Flick discovers that General Von Klinkerhoffen has sold the paintings for a fortune in gold bars. The gold is stored in the safe at the police station. René steals it. He leaves notes for Edith and Yvette with Monsieur Le Clerc, who mixes them up.
#5 - A Winkle in Time
Season 9 - Episode 6
Allied troops are now approaching Nouvion. The two British airmen, who've been shot down again, arrive back at the café. Next day, the Allies finally arrive in the village. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber disguise themselves as Britsh airmen but are arrested. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen try to escape in a midget submarine but are also captured. René is given a medal by the Allies. The scene shifts to the 'present'. Gruber, now a rich international art dealer, pays a visit to the café accompanied by Helga. The missing painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' finally comes to light when an arm is accidentally broken off the statue of René outside the café. While everyone is arguing over the painting, René makes yet another attempt to elope with Yvette.
#6 - The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law
Season 4 - Episode 6
The Germans arrest René, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, René is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen. The British have sent a spy camera with which the Résistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse´s, and since the Germans commendeered the vineyard, the Résistance cannot go and look for the camera. This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the General´s life.
#7 - Hitler's Last Heil
Season 8 - Episode 3
Hitler and Goering are due to visit the area. General Von Klinkerhoffen plans to have them assassinated. It turns out that the two German dignitaries are, in fact, impostors sent to the area as decoys. Helga plans to smuggle dynamite into the prison where Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are being held. The dynamite ends up on the lunch table and blows up the two fake German dictators. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are ordered to continue the impersonation of Hitler and Goering. Meanwile, Mimi is planning to assassinate the supposed German leaders.
#8 - The Great Un-Escape
Season 3 - Episode 6
While the Captain is sitting in the café, Herr Flick from the Gestapo is listening when René is talking to London on the wireless. He soon cracks the code surrounding the message with the plan to dig a tunnel from the mortuary to hide the British airmen. But it's soon apparent that the two airmen and Monsieur Alphonse need help with the digging, and the café staff are called in, leaving Madame Fanny and LeClerc in the café. But the Colonel and the Captain follow René, discover the tunnel, and are captured in the prisoner of war camp.
#9 - Flight of Fancy
Season 3 - Episode 4
With René again in the possession of the sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, the attention turns to getting the two British airmen out of France. Michelle proposes a steam engine tour through Nouvion. Michelle´s newest hairbrained scheme of getting the airmen out will of course need 80 meters of suspenders, and it's René's job to get them from every Frenchman in Nouvion. Herr Flick and Helga arrive in his staff car to spy on the show.
#10 - Gruber Does Some Mincing
Season 3 - Episode 2
The sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, which was taken by Lieutenant Gruber´s dog, is minced by the Lieutenant - but fortunally he discovers it first and saves it. At the same time, the missing knockwurst means that Monsieur Alphonse cannot get back the money which he leant to pay the ransom of the kidnapped sausage. The résistance pays him back with Monsieur LeClerc´s badly forged money. But after everything seems to getting back to normal, the sausage is sent to Lieutenant Gruber to make another copy. Also, Michelle´s latest plan to get the airmen back is by an old plane with the motor from general von Klinkerhoffen´s lawn-mower.
#11 - The Execution
Season 1 - Episode 5
Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture René, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, LeClerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means - René's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!
#12 - Firing Squashed
Season 8 - Episode 5
Michelle organises a meeting with the Communist Résistance to discuss future propaganda. A fight starts over René. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber escape in the confusion and head for the Café René. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen almost meet their maker in front of a firing squad.
#13 - The Funeral
Season 1 - Episode 6
René tries to go back to his normal life after his fake execution, posing as his twin brother, also named René, but the funeral arrangements are difficult when there is no body, Monsieur LeClerc is cheaper than the regular priest and the coffin is filled with anti-tank bombs.
#14 - The Sausage in the Wardrobe
Season 3 - Episode 3
After Maria is sent to Lieutenant Gruber with the sausage containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna for copying, she is caught by General von Klinckerhofen, who places the sausage in his wardrobe and helds Maria hostage until his lawn-mover engine is returned by the Résistance. Herr Flick, the Colonel and the Captain, and René hears about this and decides to go to the chateau through the secret passages and steal the sausage from under the General's nose, using Helga, Yvette and Lieutenant Gruber as erotical bait.
#15 - Swiftly and with Style
Season 2 - Episode 4
After failing to destroying the train which will take the copy of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies to Hitler, René and the Captain are captured by the Résistance, only to be rescued by Herr Flick. The Colonel and the Captain are afraid that Hitler will understand that the painting is a copy, and prepare to escape to Switzerland. In the meantime, British agent in disguise, officer Crabtree has a new escape plan for the British airmen.
#16 - Feathers
Season 5 - Episode 17
René escapes from the hospital and makes his way back to the café. Herr Flick sends Von Smallhausen undercover to the hospital mortuary to look for the Gestapo money. Meanwhile Helga has discovered that the money is forged. It's stuffed down Captain Bertorelli's trousers so that he can take it back to the café. Michelle reveals a new plan for the British airmen to escape in giant landmines, which will be dropped over England.
#17 - Arousing Suspicions
Season 8 - Episode 1
The Résistance want René to set up a mobile radio station. The necessary equipment is dropped by a British plane. Unfortunately, it drops down one of the chimneys of the chateau. Réne and his staff take the place of a flamenco dance group booked to perform at the chateau, so that they can retrieve the radio equipment. Lieutenant Gruber had arranged to deliver a photograph of the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to a Spanish art expert who is posing as a member of the real flamenco dance group. Gruber gives the photograph to Monsieur Alphonse, thinking that he's the art expert.
#18 - Good Staff are Hard to Find
Season 4 - Episode 3
Since Maria´s disappearence, the café needs another waitress, but René and Edith has somewhat different ideas about who should fill the positition, but finally Michelle from the Résistance brings tiny Mimi from another cell, to be René´s bodyguard. In the meantime, General von Klinkerhoffen gives the Colonel a new assistant, Italian liaison Bertorelli.
#19 - The Geneva Express
Season 5 - Episode 22
The Résistance blows up the train using some of the exploding Christmas puddings. Everyone makes their way back to Nouvion. René still has General Von Klinkerhoffen's gold. The General doesn't know it's missing because Officer Crabtree has gummed up the lock on the safe. Lieutenant Gruber is ordered to collect the safe in his 'little tank' and take it to the General's chateau. The General has also taken the statue containing the real paintings from the Colonel Von Strohm's office. René tries to blow open the safe using one of the exploding Christmas Puddings. He manages to blow up Gruber's 'little tank', along with Captain Bertorelli.
#20 - Saville Row to the Rescue
Season 1 - Episode 4
The Colonel & the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway.
#21 - Awful Wedded Wife
Season 8 - Episode 4
The batteries being used to power the Résistance's mobile radio station need more lead. Monsieur Alphonse, Officer Crabtree, Mimi and Yvette attempt to steal some lead from the church roof. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are disguised as Hitler and Goering so that they can be seen driving out of the area. They are ambushed and captured by the Communist Résistance.
#22 - The Sausages in the Trousers
Season 4 - Episode 5
There are still no batteries for the wireless radio underneath the bed of René's mother in law, so Michelle's newest harebrained scheme is to have René and Yvette powering the radio with the generator from a bicycle until the stolen batteries from a German midget submarine are delivered. The Lieutenant has finished copying the paintings (The Fallen Madonna... and the Van Gogh), and delivers them as sausages. Sausages also come from Captain Bertorelli (real ones), Monsieur LeClerc (submarine batteries), and Officer Crabtree (explosives), and soon they're all mixed up in the German officers pants.
#23 - A Tour de France (aka Missing and Presumed Dead)
Season 9 - Episode 2
René is now a 'love slave' to the girls of the Communist Résistance. Meanwhile, it's assumed that he was killed when the windmill was blown up. Monsieur Alphonse has been comissioned to make a statue of him for the town square. René escapes from the Communist Résistance and heads for the café disguised as an elk. He's shot by the Germans, who are out on a hunting trip.
#24 - The Airmen De-Nicked
Season 6 - Episode 5
Flick and Von Smallhausen are interrogated by the general for impersonating army officers but released on the orders of Himmler - thanks to Helga. A party of intelligence officers are visiting and the Resistance plan to hi-jack their car,steal their uniforms and that way infiltrate the chateau to get the airmen out. Rene and Edith are the reluctant 'intelligence officers' but the plan works fairly well until the couple find themselves handcuffed to the airmen whilst the key to unlock them is in Berlin.
#25 - Leg it to Spain!
Season 7 - Episode 7
The barrels which are to be used in the latest escape plan are hidden in the cellar of the Café René. René has to give the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to Colonel Vom Strohm. The painting then falls into the hands of General Von Klinkerhoffen. The General decides to have his photograph taken at the café so that it can be published in the newspaper. He asks to see the wine cellar. When he finds two large wine barrels, he orders them to be taken to his chateau. The airmen are hiding inside the barrels.