The BEST episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!
Every episode of 'Allo 'Allo! ever, ranked from best to worst by thousands of votes from fans of the show. The best episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!!
In this spoof of World War II, René Artois runs a café in German-occupied France. He always seems to have his hands full: He's having affairs with most of his waitresses, he's keeping his wife happy, he's trying to please the German soldiers who frequent his café, and he's running a major underground operation for the Resistance.
#1 - The Gestapo for the High Jump
Season 6 - Episode 2 - Aired 9/9/1989
Lieutenant Gruber warns René about a Getsapo plan to pose as British airmen. Meanwhile, General von Klinkerhoffen has decided to adopt a similar plan and orders some of Captain Bertorelli's men to be dropped from a plane dressed as British airmen. The Italians are dropped by parachute. They wander off and get lost. René and the women from the cafe disguise themselves as characters from horror films so that Herr Flick can't recognise them when he and von Smallhausen are brought to the "secret Resistance headquarters".
#2 - Going Like a Bomb
Season 5 - Episode 17 - Aired 12/24/1988
René escapes from the hospital and makes his way back to the café. Herr Flick sends von Smallhausen undercover to the hospital mortuary to look for the Gestapo money. Meanwhile Helga has discovered that the money is forged. It's stuffed down Captain Bertorelli's trousers so that he can take it back to the café. Michelle reveals a new plan for the British airmen to escape in giant landmines, which will be dropped over England.
#3 - The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law
Season 4 - Episode 6 - Aired 12/12/1987
The Germans arrest René, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, René is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen. The British have sent a spy camera with which the Resistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse, and since the Germans commandeered the vineyard, the Resistance cannot go and look for the camera. This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the General's life.
#4 - A Winkle in Time
Season 9 - Episode 6 - Aired 12/14/1992
Allied troops are now approaching Nouvion. The two British airmen, who've been shot down again, arrive back at the café. Next day, the Allies finally arrive in the village. Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber disguise themselves as Britsh airmen but are arrested. Herr Flick and von Smallhausen try to escape in a midget submarine but are also captured. René is given a medal by the Allies. The scene shifts to the 'present'. Gruber, now a rich international art dealer, pays a visit to the café accompanied by Helga. The missing painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' finally comes to light when an arm is accidentally broken off the statue of René outside the café. While everyone is arguing over the painting, René makes yet another attempt to elope with Yvette.
#5 - The Execution
Season 1 - Episode 4 - Aired 9/28/1984
Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture René, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, LeClerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means - René's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!
#6 - Leg it to Spain!
Season 7 - Episode 7 - Aired 2/16/1991
The barrels which are to be used in the latest escape plan are hidden in the cellar of Café René. René has to give the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to Colonel von Strohm. The painting then falls into the hands of General von Klinkerhoffen. The General decides to have his photograph taken at the café so that it can be published in the newspaper. He asks to see the wine cellar. When he finds two large wine barrels, he orders them to be taken to his château. The airmen are hiding inside the barrels.
#7 - All in Disgeese
Season 5 - Episode 26 - Aired 2/25/1989
British Intelligence sends experts, disguised as policemen, to examine the Enigma machine. General von Klinkerhoffen announces that René will be shot if the machine isn't handed back to the Germans. Herr Flick arrests Edith, Yvette, and Mimi and uses a truth serum on them. This makes Mimi act rather strangely.
#8 - The Sausages in the Trousers
Season 4 - Episode 5 - Aired 12/5/1987
There are still no batteries for the wireless radio underneath the bed of René's mother in law, so Michelle's newest harebrained scheme is to have René and Yvette power the radio with the generator from a bicycle until the stolen batteries from a German midget submarine are delivered. The Lieutenant has finished copying the paintings (The Fallen Madonna... and the Van Gogh), and delivers them as sausages. Sausages also come from Captain Bertorelli (real ones), Monsieur LeClerc (submarine batteries), and Officer Crabtree (explosives), and soon they're all mixed up in the German officer's pants.
#9 - René - under an Assumed Nose
Season 5 - Episode 10 - Aired 11/5/1988
The long distance duck is recovered. It was only stunned when Captain Bertorelli shot it. The photograph René took of the invasion map was useless. He decides to leave the Resistance. Michelle tries to dissuade him by telling him she's madly in love with him. Lieutenant Gruber is ordered to arrest René for the attempted poisoning of the Generals. Rene disguises himself as the French General in an attempt to escape the threatened firing squad. Monsieur LeClerc makes him a false nose using plastic explosive by mistake. The nose is accidentally ignited. René throws it out of the window and it blows up Herr Flick.
#10 - The Spirit of Nouvion
Season 7 - Episode 6 - Aired 2/9/1991
The Germans have found out about the telegraph pole escape plan, so the Resistance plan to use wine barrels instead. Michelle decides to steal the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' from Herr Flick so that it can be sold to raise funds for the Resistance. René and company tunnel into Herr Flick's office just as Colonel von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Captain Bertorelli break in. René gets covered in flour and Gruber thinks he's being haunted by Rene's dead 'twin brother' again. The Germans run away and René steals the painting.
#11 - Who's for the Vatican?
Season 5 - Episode 12 - Aired 11/19/1988
Luckily for René, the German Generals end up in Berlin rather than England. Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber tell René that he must recover the paintings from the Communist Resistance headquarters. René disguises himself as a Franciscan vicar and sets off with Mimi in the pram, disguised as a baby. Meanwhile, Helga is also heading for the headquarters disguised as a nurse, pushing Herr Flick, disguised as a baby, in another pram. The Italians storm the headquarters and are captured by the Communist Resistance. René manages to recover the paintings but is caught by Denise Laroque and her Communist Resistance.
#12 - The Exploding Bedpan
Season 5 - Episode 16 - Aired 12/17/1988
Monsieur Alphonse is being interrogated by the Gestapo about the forged money. Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are afraid that they'll be implicated in the theft of the money, so they plan to have Monsieur Alphonse poisoned before he talks. He has a heart attack and is sent to the hospital. René pretends to have food poisoning so that he can get into the hospital as part of a plan to rescue Monsieur Alphonse.
#13 - Red Nick's Colonel
Season 1 - Episode 6 - Aired 10/19/1984
The Communist Resistance wants to make a martyr out of the dead René, and kidnaps the Colonel and the Captain at the Captain's birthday party. To make matters worse, they offer them on a platter to René's twin brother René, so that he can shoot them.
#14 - The Airmen De-Nicked
Season 6 - Episode 5 - Aired 9/30/1989
Herr Flick and von Smallhausen are interrogated by the general for impersonating army officers but released on the orders of Himmler - thanks to Helga. A party of intelligence officers are visiting and the Resistance plan to hi-jack their car,steal their uniforms and that way infiltrate the château to get the airmen out. René and Edith are the reluctant 'intelligence officers' but the plan works fairly well until the couple find themselves handcuffed to the airmen whilst the key to unlock them is in Berlin.
#15 - Watch the Birdie
Season 5 - Episode 9 - Aired 10/29/1988
It's the day of the Generals' conference. The long distance duck is let loose and Captain Bertorelli shoots it. A French General stops off at the Café on his way to the château and is paralysed by Mimi. Officer Crabtree takes his place. At the conference, the Generals eat some 'mints' which are actually 'foam at the mouth' pills. In the ensuing confusion, René manages to photograph a map of the planned invasion.
#16 - Arousing Suspicions
Season 8 - Episode 1 - Aired 1/12/1992
The Resistance want René to set up a mobile radio station. The necessary equipment is dropped by a British plane. Unfortunately, it drops down one of the chimneys of the château. René and his staff take the place of a flamenco dance group booked to perform at the château, so that they can retrieve the radio equipment. Lieutenant Gruber has arranged to deliver a photograph of the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to a Spanish art expert who is posing as a member of the real flamenco dance group. Gruber gives the photograph to Monsieur Alphonse, thinking that he's the art expert.
#17 - The Nouvion Oars
Season 6 - Episode 3 - Aired 9/16/1989
Herr Flick and von Smallhausen, disguised as British airmen, are arrested by the Germans. Meanwhile, the real British airmen make their way along the canal. They've been told to look out for a goose with flashing eyes and smoke coming out of its tail. René and his staff row out to the estuary to make sure the British airmen get picked up by a waiting British submarine. The Germans have also rowed out to the estuary. The airmen get lost and the submarine leaves without them.
#18 - Fleeing Monks
Season 7 - Episode 3 - Aired 1/19/1991
René is to be given a collaboration medal for his help with the removal of von Flockenstuffen. Unfortunately, this causes the Communist Resistance to place a price on his head. He decides once again to elope with Yvette. Michelle orders René to take the airmen to the monastery to be picked up by a lightweight plane. Herr Flick also learns of this news, and he and von Smallhausen have themselves initiated into the brotherhood to gather information and capture the airmen. Unfortunately, René ends up grabbing Edith's hand instead of Yvette's, as the two are rushed aboard the plane bound for England.
#19 - Saville Row to the Rescue
Season 1 - Episode 3 - Aired 9/21/1984
The Colonel and the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Café until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway.
#20 - Six Big Boobies
Season 2 - Episode 1 - Aired 10/21/1985
After the British airmen are gone for good - or so René thinks - there is still the problem of Herr Flick owning all three copies of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies (one original and two fakes), and while Herr Flick kidnaps Lieutenant Gruber (a former art house worker), the Colonel and the Captain start to plan their next move. All the while, René's widow Edith have found René's will, and being the sole beneficiary, goes on a spending spree with René's money to attract better suitors. And the British airmen return - as nuns. They are last seen hidden in the piano.
#21 - René of the Gypsies
Season 7 - Episode 10 - Aired 3/16/1991
The ice cream truck plan has failed, so Michelle suggests holding a gypsy fair in the town centre. Herr Flick has the painting in General von Klinkerhoffen's office replaced with a forgery. The General discovers the forgery and has Colonel von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Captain Bertorelli arrested. René poses as a gypsy fortuneteller in the tent over the sewer grating. A séance is held during which the airmen finally break out of the sewer. Three more airmen emerge from the sewer - apparently they've been lost down there for weeks.
#22 - Desperate Doings in the Dungeon
Season 5 - Episode 1 - Aired 9/3/1988
Herr Flick is still held in the dungeons, and if he cracks he can divulge that the painting of the Fallen Madonna have been copied. That´s why he must be rescued by Helga, von Smallhausen, and René - dressed as Himmler. The Colonel and the Lieutenant are ordered by the General to let Herr Flick die in a rescue attempt by the Resistance, but seeing the danger of getting caught in a crossfire, they dress up as Gestapo officers to rescue Herr Flick, only to find René chained up instead.
#23 - Crabtree's Podgeon Pist
Season 6 - Episode 7 - Aired 10/14/1989
General von Klinkerhoffen threatens to blow up Nouvion if the airmen aren't handed over. Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc are getting married. Michelle reveals a new plan to send the airmen back to England. A barrage balloon and tanks of helium will be hidden in the marquee set up behind the café for the wedding.
#24 - The Crooked Fences
Season 6 - Episode 6 - Aired 10/7/1989
René, Mimi and the two British airmen are still handcuffed together. They make their way to the police station, hoping that Officer Crabtree can free them. The Germans want to sell the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna'. They order René to find them a fence. A meeting is held, with Monsieur Alphonse posing as the fence and everyone else wearing paper bags on their heads. The painting is exchanged for the gold weight from the cuckoo clock. Later, the Germans decide that they'd rather have cash, so René arranges for the gold to be exchanged for forged currency. The swap is made in the church, in the confessional booth. There's a cockup and the Germans inadvertantly pass the gold on to the priest.
#25 - An Enigma Variation
Season 5 - Episode 23 - Aired 2/4/1989
General von Klinkerhoffen has recovered most of his gold from Gruber's tank. René still has four bars, which he melts down and makes into a new weight for the cuckoo clock in the café. Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber offer Rene a deal - they won't look for the missing gold if René recovers their statue from the General's chateau. The Excelsior Quartet, a group of musicians hired to play at the chateau, are detained so that René and company can take their place. They manage to recover the contents of the statue.