The BEST Episodes of Son of the Beach

Every episode ever - ranked by fan votes!

Last Updated: Aug 11, 2020

Network: FX

From the Howard Stern Production company, comes SON OF THE BEACH! Son of the Beach is a hilarious comedy about Notch Johnson, world's greatest lifeguard (hardly), and his unit SPF-30, taking place in Malibu Adjacent, CA. The Show is about Notch and his gang getting into different situations which ensure pure laughs and will make you want to watch again and again.

Taco Lips Now (1)

#1 - Taco Lips Now (1)

Season 3 - Episode 12 - Aired Sep 17, 2002

In a flashback to Notch's war days, we see how his commanding officer Colonel Kooze ""improperly disposed of"" the village of Tam Pon. Kooze implores Notch to ""never tell"" about this atrocity. Later Notch sees the guilty colonel hanging from a tree, having apparently commited suicide. Back in the present, Notch's brother Harry Johnson has arrived at Malibu Adjacent. His secret past begins to catch up with Notch, and he is questioned by reporters about the incident at Tam Pon. This leads to his arrest, and as he's being taken into custody, Notch can hardly believe his eyes--in the distance he sees Col. Kooze! Also, Porcelain marries the decrepit old multi-millionaire Nick ""Snuggles"" Pappasmearos so she can inherit his money, but she'll have to contend with his family, including Nick Jr.

star 9.00
3 votes
Witness for the Prostitution

#2 - Witness for the Prostitution

Season 3 - Episode 5 - Aired Jul 16, 2002

Notch is honored at the State Univeristy College of Malibu Adjacent (S.U.C.M.A., home of the Cocks) with the opening of a lavatory science building named after him. But all is not well. After a lifeguard group therapy session (with Chappy as therapist!), Ellen comes in with the news that she's been fired from her job as house mother at the I Eta Pi sorority, where a sister named Tiffany recently committed suicide. Notch smells something fishy, and SPF-30 swings into action: Chip and B.J. accompany Ellen on a stakeout while Porcelain and Jamaica go undercover at the sorority as pledges. Sorority leader Mandy almost immediately offers Porcelain a job working for I Eta Pi's escort service, but she and Jamaica soon find out that the sorority is running a forced prostitution ring, with the knowledge and guidance of the university's Dean Faraday. Notch and the gang rescue the girls before they can be harmed. Also: Kimberlee's mother Marcia is coming for a visit. Kimberlee hates to tell her m

star 8.67
3 votes
Directors: Tim Andrew
Writers: Allison Gallant, Mira Handman
Bad News, Mr. Johnson (3)

#3 - Bad News, Mr. Johnson (3)

Season 3 - Episode 14 - Aired Oct 1, 2002

""Master of disguise"" Notch Johnson is on the run and he spends some time hiding out at Aunt Jizzy's, where he learns that Kooze and Harry have conspired to move up Harry and Kimberlee's wedding date to the next day. Kooze knows Notch will come when he hears this news and he plans to assassinate him at the wedding. Chip finds out he's in imminent danger of being deported. To avoid this, he convinces a reluctant Jamaica to marry him, which is a great shock to his ""Mootie"" and ""Poopie"" when they arrive for the wedding. Porcelain has now come up with a plan to seduce Nick Jr. into marriage so she can get her hands on the Pappasmearos fortune, so it looks like there's going to be a triple wedding at Malibu Adjacent. Notch sneaks into the SPF-30 headquaters looking for evidence against Kooze, but while he's looking, B.J. goes into labor. Notch helps to deliver her baby, after which the surprise identity of the father is revealed. With the help of Chappy, Ellen and Prof. Milosevic, Notch expo

star 8.67
3 votes
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
In the Line of Booty

#4 - In the Line of Booty

Season 3 - Episode 3 - Aired Jul 2, 2002

Someone tries to kill rapper Larry ""Biggy"" Little, and Jamaica's new rapper boyfriend is blamed.

star 8.50
4 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: Kenneth Braun
The Gay Team

#5 - The Gay Team

Season 3 - Episode 6 - Aired Jul 23, 2002

A villain named ""Heinous Anus"" (RuPaul) is making young men disappear from the beach, and they are all ending up in a place called ""Gaytrix"". Chip ends up being captured by Heinous Anus and taken to the Gaytrix so that he turn him gay and clone him. Notch's army buddy (Alan Thicke) knows where Chip is and how to get there and sends Notch to go after him. Meanwhile, Porcelain's marriage heats up because of a scheme thought up by B.J. and Jamaica.

star 8.50
4 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: Neal Boushell, Sam O'Neal
The Long Hot Johnson

#6 - The Long Hot Johnson

Season 3 - Episode 11 - Aired Aug 27, 2002

Notch's old wet nurse Aunt Jizzy and company come to him with stories of Klan activity in South Malibu Adjacent and a scheme led by the notorious Bull Cracker to cheat them out of their homes. So Notch joins the all-white South Malibu Adjacent Country Club to find out the truth. But he doesn't make the smartest move by taking Jamaica along with him posing as his fiance! Bull and his boys are about to make a move on Notch, Jamaica and Kimberlee, but they are rescued by a couple of unlikely allies, Bull's wife Pussy Willow and Porcelain. Also, Chip and B.J. try to help out by going undercover as a married brother and sister.

star 8.50
4 votes
Directors: Tim Andrew
Writers: Kal Zurnamer, Patrick Stack
Jailhouse Notch (2)

#7 - Jailhouse Notch (2)

Season 3 - Episode 13 - Aired Sep 24, 2002

Notch is convicted of the war crime and goes to jail, where he meets all sorts of unsavory characters, but soon he breaks out and begins his search for Colonel Kooze so he can clear his name. But there are some surprises back at Malibu Adjacent. Notch's brother Harry is working for Kooze, and part of their evil plan is for Harry to court and propose marriage to Kimberlee. Kimberlee falls for it and accepts Harry's proposal. Meanwhile a court rules against Porcelain and her claim on ""Snuggles'"" will, with the result being that she's now homeless.

star 8.50
4 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: David S. Di Pietro, Paul F. Ciancarelli
Area 69

#8 - Area 69

Season 2 - Episode 14 - Aired Jul 10, 2001

When B.J. is impregnated and then abducted, Notch knows that there's trouble afoot. And when his old Vietnam/F.B.I. buddy Captain Enteneille warns Notch to stay off B.J.'s case, Notch knows that it's time to search for the truth. He and Kimberlee head to the famous secret desert installation, Area 69, where Notch learns more than he bargained for. Back in Malibu Adjacent, Chip and Professor Milosevic enter a local talent contest and are signed by a TV network executive to star in a situation comedy. Hilarity ensues.

star 8.25
4 votes
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
Three Days of the Condom

#9 - Three Days of the Condom

Season 3 - Episode 4 - Aired Jul 9, 2002

When Notch's gang finds out that B.J. has gone missing from her D.C. internship, the gang travels to D.C. to find her. Having almost given up, Notch and the SPF-30 finally get their BJ, who is alive but has amnesia and that she is pregnant. Notch questions her employer, Congressman George Bukaki, and soon his unit is embroiled in a government conspiracy. Back home, Chip must try to stop a purse-snatcher at the annual Lez-Aid Faire, where Porcelain is scheming to get famous by playing for the other team.

star 8.25
4 votes
Directors: Athur Bowan
Writers: Reid Harrison
Miso Honei

#10 - Miso Honei

Season 1 - Episode 8 - Aired Aug 8, 2000

When the world's most dangerous tsunami, Miso Honei, is detected rushing at Malibu Adjacent, the Mayor senses a media event and tries to get Notch to surf it. He refuses until the Mayor grants a parole to the only other surfer capable of surviving the wave, Adolf Manson. Manson's bad boy image wows Malibu Adjacent's impressionable children. Will Notch jump on Miso Honei for the kids and ride it safely to shore? Also, Chip and B.J. fall in love and decide to quit the force.

star 8.24
37 votes
Directors: Gloria Muzio
Writers:
Light My Firebush

#11 - Light My Firebush

Season 2 - Episode 6 - Aired Apr 17, 2001

Notch hires his half Indian sister as a life guard and uses savages techniques to help the beach. B.J. is reunited with her mother Ima Cummings. But her (step) daddy butts in her life and threatens B.J. and Ima's lives.

star 8.20
5 votes
Directors: Tim Andrew
Writers: Joe Port, Joe Wiseman
Queefer Madness

#12 - Queefer Madness

Season 2 - Episode 5 - Aired Apr 10, 2001

The beach is terrorized by a gang of bad boys.

star 8.17
6 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
From Russia with Johnson

#13 - From Russia with Johnson

Season 2 - Episode 2 - Aired Mar 20, 2001

Notch and his unit must stop a Russian terrorist.

star 8.14
7 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: Joe Port, Joe Wiseman
Two Thongs Don't Make a Right

#14 - Two Thongs Don't Make a Right

Season 1 - Episode 5 - Aired Apr 11, 2000

When Little Peter Gozinya disappears on the beach, Notch and the gang mobilize to find him. And also mobilize to repeal the Mayor's ban on thong bikinis. Which effort will prove successful?

star 8.07
41 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
It's a Nude, Nude, Nude, Nude World

#15 - It's a Nude, Nude, Nude, Nude World

Season 2 - Episode 9 - Aired Jun 5, 2001

The Nude-lympics come to Malibu Adjacent, and someone is killing beautiful, naked women because he feels they are 'Dirty'. Mayor Anita wants to cover up the story, but SPF-30 is at work cracking the case. Kimberlee lands a date with the murderer unaware until he arrives to pick her up that he is the killer of all the women. While on her date, Kimberlee makes a private call to Notch telling him that she is with him but the killer finds out and then tries to kill Kimberlee until Notch and the gang come along to save her.

star 8.00
8 votes
Directors: Tim Andrew
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
The Sexorcist

#16 - The Sexorcist

Season 2 - Episode 12 - Aired Jun 26, 2001

Jamaica has just come back from her vacation and came back with gifts, including a bottle that everyone was afraid of when she was there. Jamaica gives the bottle to B.J. and she opens it and becomes possessed by the devil. Notch has to overcome his past failure at exorcising and get the devil out of B.J. and keep him from repossessing her. Meanwhile, the Mayor's knack for sexually harassing Chip threatens her career when an uptight reporter, with political aspirations of her own, gets wind.

star 8.00
4 votes
Directors: Gene Laufenberg
Writers: Mark Amato
Empty the Dragon

#17 - Empty the Dragon

Season 3 - Episode 10 - Aired Aug 20, 2002

Notch travels to Japan with Kimberlee, Chip and Porcelain for the Nagasaki Fried Chicken (NFC) Karaoke Championships. To Porcelain's dismay, the blonde Kimberlee gets all the attention from the press. Notch gets involved with Binaka, whose crazed vegetarian father has concocted a formula that turns a chicken into a giant beast which is rampaging through Tokyo. The giant chicken captures Kimberlee and things look grim when the Japanese troops prepare to blast the big animal, but Notch comes to the rescue. Also, Chip visits a geisha house, where he gets a big, unexpected surprise.

star 8.00
5 votes
Directors: Tim Andrew
Writers: Mark A. Amato
With Sex You Get Eggroll

#18 - With Sex You Get Eggroll

Season 1 - Episode 1 - Aired Mar 14, 2000

The Mayor wants Head Lifeguard Notch Johnson out of Malibu Adjacent, and she's recruited Kimberlee Clark to join his squad and get the low-down on him by wearing a mini-camera. She thinks that her work is done when Notch decides to bust enslaved girls from a whore house from the inside, by posing as a customer. If the slavers don't get Notch, the Mayor's video will. Or will Kimberlee help Notch to save the day?

star 7.94
93 votes
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
Eat My Muffin

#19 - Eat My Muffin

Season 1 - Episode 7 - Aired Aug 1, 2000

When BJ muffs a save, she goes into an identity crisis and ends up in the care of The Divine Rod, who runs a home for lost women. And runs a web-site where people pay to watch the women, and Rod, um, ""treating"" them. Under Notch's direction, Kimberlee infiltrates the cult and snatches it's secret: psychotropic-drug-laced bran muffins. Realizing that BJ is under someone else's control, the bran muffins move Notch into action. Meanwhile, the Tetherball Invitational Tournament is in town, and the Mayor's bet that the gang can win.

star 7.88
34 votes
Directors: George Vershoor
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
Day of the Jackass

#20 - Day of the Jackass

Season 1 - Episode 10 - Aired Aug 22, 2000

Malibu Adjacent is hosting a peace conference between China and Africa, and Notch has been banned from attending. That would be no problem, except Notch's old Army Secret Ops buddy, Captain ""Buck"" Enteneille has shown up and wants to go. It's even more of a problem when Notch sees him going anyway, with a sniper rifle. Can Notch stop Enteneille from ruining the conference, and still keep his friendship with Buck? Tune in. Also, Jamaica falls in love with an African prince.

star 7.88
33 votes
Writers:
A Star Is Boned

#21 - A Star Is Boned

Season 1 - Episode 11 - Aired Aug 29, 2000

The glamour of Hollywood is hitting the beaches of Malibu Adjacent: the fabulous stars, the adoring crowds, the death threats. Notch Johnson joins the case when actress Regina Streep is almost killed on his beach. Can Notch find the assailant before they grab Regina? Also, Jamaica runs a bachelor auction.

star 7.85
33 votes
A Tale of Two Johnsons

#22 - A Tale of Two Johnsons

Season 2 - Episode 8 - Aired May 29, 2001

When an evil crime syndicate clones an operative to look like Notch, the Gang is suddenly seeing double. The real Notch Johnson must stop ""Evil Notch"" from wreaking havoc in Malibu Adjacent. Can Notch beat himself? Also, Kimberlee's old boyfriend, a musician, comes to town and tries to get Kimberlee to come back to him.

star 7.83
6 votes
Directors: John Putch
Writers: Joe Port, Joe Wiseman
Remember Her Titans

#23 - Remember Her Titans

Season 2 - Episode 3 - Aired Mar 27, 2001

Jamaica's boyfriend has a problem with gambling, and is majorly in debt. Since Jamaica's boyfriend doesn't have the money, he is told by the bookie that he will let it slide if he throws the game. When he doesn't agree, he breaks his leg so that he can't play. Notch decides that he will fill in for him at the game and he is allowed to fill in for him because he never finished high school. Meanwhile, Kody's father comes to Malibu Adjacent from the U.K. to ask Kody to go back and live with him.

star 7.80
5 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
Booger Nights

#24 - Booger Nights

Season 2 - Episode 15 - Aired Jul 17, 2001

Quotes: Notch: ""Here's a picture of my head. And here's a picture of my face.""

star 7.75
4 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stein, Timothy Stack
Fanny and the Professor

#25 - Fanny and the Professor

Season 1 - Episode 6 - Aired Apr 18, 2000

The Mayor with help from The Professor, plot to take over Notch's job and the beach with three beautiful robot lifeguards.

star 7.74
38 votes
Directors: Scott McAboy
Writers: David Morgasen, James R. Stack