The Best Episodes of Phoenix Nights

Singles Night

#1 - Singles Night 8.14

Season 1 - Episode 4

It's Single's Night at the Phoenix! Brian runs over a lady's foot with his wheelchair which leads to sparks flying between the two. Brian quickly thinks he's falling in love and buys a new water bed only to discover his new lady works for the council and is investigating him for false disability claims.

Stars in Their Eyes

#2 - Stars in Their Eyes 8.11

Season 2 - Episode 6

Jerry's cured, Brian's got the final of Talent Trek, Max & Paddy are scared they're going to get shot and the backing band can't make it. A new backing band, Right Said Frank are introduced, but axed very quickly after they start breaking into cars. Les & Alan get their job back and everyone's happy. Oh, except Den Perry, who's facing a lengthy prison sentence after unwittenly admitting to burning down the club in Series 1. The audition, there's none, but Ant & Dec, the two stowaways have found themselves on the door.

Comedy Robot Wars

#3 - Comedy Robot Wars 8.09

Season 1 - Episode 5

Jerry goes to the hospital for tests that are worrying him and the Phoenix puts on an alternative comedy night and robot wars. The comedy night proves unpopular with the locals until an upset Jerry brings some students down a peg or to with his own brand of witty one-liner's, this leads to him being offered a job on a cruise ship. Bouncers Max and Paddy clean up on robot wars after pursuading DJ Ray-von to build the robot for the competition, this leads to a disagreement over the prize money.

Family Fun Day

#4 - Family Fun Day 7.99

Season 2 - Episode 2

The Phoenix Club hosts a family fun day in the car park in order to raise the funds to reopen the club. Brian is annoyed that the bouncy castle he ordered has male genitalia hanging off the front of it, but it is transformed into Sammy the snake [a green sheet is thrown over it and it has ""layed two snake's eggs.""] Brin then reveals to Jerry his big pink paradise- a portable toilet with pennny chews in the condom machine and a ball pool made out of some scaffolding covered in bubble wrap and some old footballs from the roof. Jerry is not impressed, especially when he has to dress up as a giant red berry. Some children roll Jerry around in his costume after his opening number, while a friend of Ray Von's paints Young Kenny's face with spray paint. At the end, some mischevious children raise the pressure on the bouncy castle, lifting up the giant inflatable penis , which then exploded, leaving fifteen people with rubber burns that needed treatment in hospital.

Directors: Peter Kay
Disco Inferno

#5 - Disco Inferno 7.98

Season 1 - Episode 3

The Phoenix puts on a ""Pyskick"" night. But following a fire safety inspection the club is forced to close. Brian fakes a heart attack to prevent a speeding fine, and later blackmails fire safety official Keith Lard into granting them a fire safety licence by using a forged photos of Keith getting frisky with a dog. The Show goes on with ""pyskick"" Clinton Baptiste offending the punters and calling one a ""nonce"" leading to him getting knocked out. Paddy and Max discuss Sean Connery's wigs.

Brian Gets Everyone Back Together

#6 - Brian Gets Everyone Back Together 7.92

Season 2 - Episode 1

The club has burnt down (rival Den Perry did it) and Brian has been barred from holding a licence due to safety shortcuts and insurance fiddles. But, inspired by old mate Hoss Cartwright (Jim Bowen) who runs Blackpool's La Ponderosa, Brian has plans for a revival. He needs the help of his former employees, especially Jerry St Clair, who has been reduced to the role of singing salesman at Asda. Features Bob Carolgees and Spit The Dog hosting a Kilroy-like TV talk show.

Wild West Night

#7 - Wild West Night 7.89

Season 1 - Episode 2

Following new DJ Ray-von's first use of his home made sound and entertainment system, cashier ""The Captain"" dies of smoke inhalation. Owner Brian orders The Captain's corpse moved into the pennine suite as in there his death would be viewed as natural causes instead of manslaughter. During the Captain's funeral the club tv is stolen from under the nose of the club locals and bar staff. Elsewhere Brian brings in a bucking bronco instead of the broken snooker table. Inspired by the bucking bronco compare Jerry organise's a wild west night featuring Wild Bill and Trigger the horse, line dancing and a staged gun fight featuring the Preston Posse vs the Keightly confederates where rivalries lead to a bar brawl. Meanwhile Trigger the horse consumes a large amount of beer while he is tied up in an empty suite leading Brian to use the classic phrase ""I KNOW A PISSED HORSE WHEN I SEE ONE""

Ladies' Night

#8 - Ladies' Night 7.76

Season 2 - Episode 5

Brian is trapped on his stairlift in a powercut ("What would Thora Hird do?"). It's Ladies' Night at the club, where Patrick steps in to strip (as Lord Love Rocket) for the sex-crazed women. Max gets asked by a woman to bump off her husband.

Talent Trek Finals

#9 - Talent Trek Finals 7.76

Season 1 - Episode 6

In the final episode of the series, Jerry is relieved to get the all clear from the hospital, and Brian is delighted to get Bolton's yearly biggest show, The Talent Trek Grand Final at the Phoenix after telling the judges that Jerry is in fact dying in order to win the sympathy vote. Jerry then reveals the offer of a job on a cruise ship and considers taking it. As Talent Trek is being staged at such short notice, regular backing band Les Alanos are unavailable and are sacked, being replaced by Right Said Frank, a tribute band to Right Said Frank. They proceed to make fun out of all the acts while stealing car stereos from the car park on their breaks. This leads to a fight with bouncers Max and Paddy and Brian re-employing backing band Les Alanos. As everyone believes Jerry is dying, Brian takes the opportunity to reveal the results of Jerry's tests and singing it's a celebration as Jerry has the all clear. After the show ends rival club owner Den Perry discards his cigar in the toil

Opening Night

#10 - Opening Night 7.75

Season 1 - Episode 1

The Phoenix Club is re-opening tonight with the help of Roy "It's The Way I Tell 'Em'" Walker and Brian and the crew have to make sure everything runs smoothly which isn't helped by a Nazi-themed bandit, singing builders, a power cut, a racist folk band and Max and Paddy. Opening Night is sure to be great.

Crimetime

#11 - Crimetime 7.67

Season 2 - Episode 3

To get publicity, Brian arranges for the Phoenix Club to be featured on TV show Crimetime (presented by Stuart Maconie), recreating the night of the blaze. It turns into a blatant plug for the club – and features Jerry's performance of Reach For The Stars. Meanwhile, the Chinese cooks are stir frying everything and the seedy Spencer (Daniel Kitson) is hired as a barman.

Quiz

#12 - Quiz 7.67

Season 2 - Episode 4

Brian decides to have a Quiz night, without Jerry's Knowledge, he offers a very generous prize.