The WORST episodes of Upright Citizens Brigade

#1 - Town Hall

Season 3 - Episode 8 - Aired 3/20/2000

#2 - Big City

Season 2 - Episode 8 - Aired 8/9/1999

A prostitute interviews for a job at a coffeeshop, but the manager is appalled by her resume. When the prostitute reminds his that ""it's never too late to be what we want to be,"" the manager reveals he's always wanted to be an astronaut. She helps him train to be an astronaut while she learns to make coffee. She throws him a huge party to celebrate. A redneck visiting the big city is invited to the party, but despairs that he'll have use the subways with all the Molemen. A woman wearing a walking cast is forcibly carried to the party by a ""helpful"" man who keeps insisting she's not that fat. A rich man is forced to venture out into the big city when his butler dies, guided by a Cockney street urchin. They are invited to the party, and when they arrive, the manager has prepared for his first flight with a spacesuit made of coffee cups and a coffee-pot helmut. The manager throws himself out the window and is killed. ""That's life in the big city!""

#3 - Infested With Friars

Season 2 - Episode 6 - Aired 7/26/1999

A woman left deli food and an open box of cigars out overnight, causing her house to be come infected with friars. The manager of a Bradwick's restaurant teaches a new employee how do do everything, including talking with his mouth and putting silverware on tables using his hand, and tells another employee that the customer is always right - always. In order to avoid getting in trouble with his parents, a kid tells his friends to beat him up and take a crap on him, which is the M.O. of the kidnappers he developed to be able and stay out later. The friars begin to mutate and leave the house they were found in, only to end up raiding the Bradwick's, which is promptly quarantined.

#4 - Mafia

Season 3 - Episode 2 - Aired 1/24/2000

Russell Cannon investigates invisible health hazards in hotel rooms. Mafia boss, Don Garnelli, is given advice from his doctor after a boating accident. Meanwhile, the UCB sheds light on local "hump houses." A couple receives unwanted fertility help from a mobster seeking a chance to make up for past crimes. A scrapbook hobby gets out of hand, leading to a grand jury case where a still injured Don Garnelli's testimony causes chaos.

#5 - Eli's Face Therapy

Season 2 - Episode 5 - Aired 7/12/1999

A woman on her first day at her new job is threatened by a man who says he's going to kill her. She reports it to her boss. / An elderly woman takes her friend to meet Eli, who is her therapist. He does a treatment where he slaps a woman in the face to make her feel better and make their skin look better. / A few guys are sitting around doing the Supercool and watching throwing star cartoons. One of the guys girlfriend comes home and complains that she is having problems at work. To help her, they agree to pretend to be the chef at her workplace so she can practice venting her problems to him. It gets out of hand when the guys take their characters too far. / Trotter is putting helmets on the other UCB members to see what they are dreaming. / Back at the office, the guy who threatened to kill the woman apologizes and offers to buy her a smoothie as an apology. Then right after, he once again threatens to kill her. She goes to tell her boss but he is no help once again. / Back at Eli's

#6 - Real World

Season 2 - Episode 4 - Aired 7/5/1999

A trail guide takes a family through the woods to look at wildlife and see an ""Ingret"", a creature that looks like a woman wearing a bikini. Trotter and Adair catch one. / A comedian makes a reference to colorblindness and enrages an audience member whose cousin Gillian is colorblind. They come onto the stage, make a huge scene, and prove the comedian wrong. / A man named Gossack convinces an aquarium janitor that he's an alien, and can give him the power to fly if the janitor will let him mate with a dolphin. Antoine captures Gossack. / Antoine and Colby encounter the ""stair people"" - a strange breed of people who live in the stairwells of office buildings. They eventually capture one. / A company executive has a meeting with Mr. Craw - a man who has a baby head growing out of his right hand. Colby comes in and captures Craw. / Finally with all of the players ready, the UCB are set to begin their big social experiment which turns out to be a cast for the Real World! Gillian (the color

#7 - Spaghetti Jesus

Season 2 - Episode 7 - Aired 8/2/1999

Jesus appears in a bowl of spaghetti and Trotter has a jewish Mud Golem. The Spaghetti Jesus is taken to a religion expo which also has a girl in a coma that can perform miracles, Sister Wendy describing religious images, and a seminar on the church of Psychotonomy which claims it can ""cure"" homosexuality, left-handedness, race, and height. Tensions rise as the Spaghetti Jesus disappears three times and reappears twice (although both times in a very different form).

#8 - Bucket of Truth

Season 1 - Episode 1 - Aired 8/19/1998

The UCB places a bucket of truth into a suburban home being shown to an upper class family. The realtor shows off the hot chicks room which is also inside the house. Captain Lounatic, an overpassionate police officer, curses the elusive Bong Boy, a stoner who is repeatedly sighted at the scenes of human tragedy. The captain also mourns over the loss of his wife, who used to dance for him. The husband purchases the home because of the hot chicks room, while the wife tries to find Cassie, their missing daughter. While searching for Cassie, Cpt. Lounatic tries to arrest Bong Boy, but must leave to foil a bank robbery. Cassie befriends the real Unabomber while selling cookies door to door. A friend of the family looks into the bucket of truth and runs screaming into the hot chicks room, followed by the father who just bought the house. Cpt. Lounatic runs in the house looking for Cassie, and the mother looks into the bucket of truth and runs screaming through the neighborhood. Cass

#9 - Sex

Season 3 - Episode 7 - Aired 3/6/2000

Adair dies and possesses a sandwich. He tells the other UCB members of a prophecy that can bring him back to life. Where none are invited but everyone comes Bring she who makes love to many but touches none As man is shaken by his own clothes And another shouts innuendoes Where an old virgin mates with a balloon And well-oiled mountains light the room The UBC brings each element of the prophecy to an out-of-control orgy: a nerdy virgin who compulsively buys new cellphones and pagers, convinced that faulty technology is why no chicks ever call to get laid by him; a ""subliminal"" vibrating boot sold to sex-starved woman to make them attractive to their husbands again; Raspberry, a distracted phone sex operator; and Clair, whose husband thinks she spends too much time taking care of her ""amazing"" breasts. Clair unbuttons her shirt, exposing her ""well-oiled mountains,"" while the virgin straps on the vibrating boot and has sex with a inflatable doll - thus fulfilling the prophesy.

#10 - Children's Revolution

Season 1 - Episode 5 - Aired 9/9/1998

The Upright Citizens Brigade uses its unlimited resources to help a child defeat the school bully - his bus driver.

#11 - Saigon Suicide Show

Season 1 - Episode 3 - Aired 9/30/1998

In an effort to spread unity and understanding, the Upright Citizen's Brigade host the ""Saigon Suicide Squad"" a dangerous stunt variety act. When the ""Saigon Suicidie Squad"" doesn't show up, they are forced to improvise, and end up causing more hatred than good. Show includes: Astronaut Predjeduce, an apology to all Jews, and the ""Hong Kong Danger Duo.""

#12 - Poo Stick

Season 1 - Episode 2 - Aired 9/16/1998

Opens with "Food Torture Films" ... animals being kept away from food which they desire. A-1 Protection Palace sells the brand new "Poo Stick" for personal protection. Casting for "Cats: The Movie", an independent short which is funded by crazed "Mini-Movies." Video Store Attendant terrorized by a customer who has never seen a movie in his life, but claims he is in every movie in the store. Meanwhile, the "Mini-Movie" man is terrorized by the same woman over and over, since she has paid to insult him. Automatic "Poo Sticks" are on their way to the streets. Next, Disney is in search for a new songwriter. The man they find can only make up nonsensical songs which contain no real words. The crazed video store customer attempts to destroy an original reel of "Out Of Africa" to win his million dollar bet, and in the end attacks the videostore guy with a "Poo Stick." Disney declares itself an independent state and finishes up with a big musical number. The "Mini-Movie" man continues to be pl

#13 - Music

Season 3 - Episode 4 - Aired 2/7/2000

#14 - Hurricane

Season 2 - Episode 9 - Aired 8/16/1999

Captain Lunatic tries to capture the illusive Bong Boy, who seems to always be wherever there is trouble / A TV weatherman and news anchor fight on the air / Trotter shows Antoine his commercials designed to annoy people / Public access show ""Trees Are Down"" airs / International singing sensation Ya-Ya is interviewed for a magazine in her house, but things get crazy with her and her father, the interviewer runs away and Ya-Ya's father dies of a heart attack / A new member of the John Denver fan club goes to a meeting where the other members sing John Denver songs with the word ""nutsack"" in them / Back at the news report, the anchor and weatherman continue to fight / Back on ""Trees are Down"", they decide to just talk about anything / The weatherman finds out that the machine ""Doppler 5000"" is causing all the bad weather and the machine attacks him / Ya-Ya tries to help out during the bad storm by singing in the middle of it. Bong Boy shows up in the middle of the storm along with Ya-Ya

#15 - College

Season 3 - Episode 6 - Aired 2/28/2000

During a physics class, a born-again Christian challenges the professor to explain ""spitty slurpy"" and the moonwalk, but the professor is unable to give a adequate explaination. A frat boy is visited by his ""Fairy Hockeyplayer,"" who forces him to chug beer so that he will brave enough to cheat on his girlfriend. In a liquor store, Santa promotes his new Santa Liquor. When a man refuses a sample, Santa follows him home with a laser pointer. When the Fundamentalists are winning during a Christian basketball match, the Crazy Christians bring out Perdu, possessed by a demon that has ""improved his range and jumping ability."" The frat boy is encouraged by his Fairy Hockeyplayer to hit on Perdu, who calls him a ""two-timer"" and fries him. The born-again Christian tries to confront the demon with the ""glory of God"": - but the demon explains spitty slurpy with simple physics. Santa stops shining the laser pointer in the man's face long enough to make Perdu drink some Santa Liquor, which exorci

#16 - Mogomra vs. the Fart Monster

Season 2 - Episode 3 - Aired 6/28/1999

An aerobics class has a day of Japa-noi Tretching, an exercise program that combines jumping around like crazy while listening to Japanese punk music. / Adair invents a tiny radio that is so small, you can't even see it. It malfunctions, goes crazy, and starts flying around and attacking Antoine. / A man who gets a massage at a massage parlor starts farting so much, that he runs out of the shop, disgusts everyone including his family. / An unpopular kid in school starts to riot by throwing ninja throwing stars in the cafeteria during lunch but is unsuccessful in killing anyone. / A ninja holds a press conference about throwing stars, and his son's failed massacre at school. / Mr. Gregoropolis' accountant warns him that he is running out of money, and can no longer afford to pay for a live-in sushi chef. After some debate, he refuses because he loves sushi too much. / The kid at school tries again to massacre his fellow students as a sumo wrestler, but fails again. / A throwing star fa

#17 - Cyborgs

Season 1 - Episode 9 - Aired 10/21/1998

The Upright Citizens Brigade repairs their cyborgs, which include Dennis Rodman, Robert Redford, and Mariah Carey. / An advertising firm has a meeting to try and figure out who has been embezzling money. / Camp Kalterman kids are held at bay for stealing the "Bug Juice" and are asked to come forward and ask Jesus for forgiveness. / A Cyborg places a video ad with a dating service in an attempt to pick up human women. / Antoine is accused of being a Cyborg, and Trotter is stranded on Satellite Skippy. / A woman in a cafe offends everyone by reading her "Secret Diary" at the top of her lungs, and accuses people of being gay. / Mid-Atlantic Airline Pilot Training, and "Last Moments" Techniques, to teach pilots how to keep their cool when crashing. / Cyborgs blow up in series like Christmas lights.

#18 - Power Marketing

Season 1 - Episode 4 - Aired 9/2/1998

The Upright Citizens Brigade controls Alan Greenspan during his ""State of the Economy"" speech, in an attempt to change the national currency to ""Oak Leaves"", but Greenspan throws the speech. ""Power Marketing"" siminars try to push people into having ""New Brains"" which are ""powerful, explosive, and a real competitor."" ""Power Marketing"" also features Astronaut Mike Berchwood from the ""Saigon Suicide Squad"" episode. Next, we discover ""Hendley Architecture"", the architectural firm that exists in an entirely open woodland, or, as they claim, a building designed with ""Hyper Minimalism."" Cut's back to the same ""Power Marketing"" speech as before. Now, we're shown a golf game between an advertising executive who is looking for success tips, and his brother. His brother advises him to stick every penny he gets up his ass, and then spend it, so he has the edge in any situation, since everyone is handling pennies which have been up his ass. Moves back to ""Power Marketing"" and the new brain you can

#19 - Costumes

Season 3 - Episode 1 - Aired 1/17/2000

A man attempts to have ""werewolf sex"" with his girlfriend, a woman puts Wolfman Jack novelty bells on everything in the house, a man mistakes his grandson in a skeleton costume for the grim reaper, costumed themepark workers fight when they find out one of their own is not castrated, and a man takes skydiving lessons from an incompetent instructor.

#20 - Supercool

Season 2 - Episode 10 - Aired 8/23/1999

Learn about the drug ""Supercool"", the history of it, the effects, and hear from former users and users' loved ones about the dangers of it / The police show you a few busts, including the bust of a ""huge Supercool ring"" / Two guys dressed as elves in a jail try to explain the dangers of Supercool to inmates / During A Supercool version of ""Scared Straight"" one of the inmates sticks his foot in a students ass and winds up leaving it there for years. You meet the student years later and the two are still ""together"" / A reporter goes to the Titte brother's island for an interview but the brothers just wind up fighting with their manager / One of Calvin Kline's model is not opposed to Supercool / The titte brothers and Ya-Ya try to get Supercool on the street

#21 - Master Dialectitian

Season 2 - Episode 1 - Aired 6/14/1999

Trotter and Antoine play chess. Antoine needed motivation to beat Trotter, so every time he plays poorly, the computer stops his heart for a few seconds / A ""Baby Runner"" is born. A baby with the leg strength of a grown cheetah. Various attempts are made to capture the baby. Offers are made to race him in Mexico, and to give his parents a college track scholarship. / Sports guys argue about greatest matches of all time. / The Grand Master Dialectitian is introduced to Owen, to teach him new dialects. / A reel is run from 1933 of a Boxer fighting a horse. The horse wins. / The master dialectitian discovers that Owen is competing in the park, and wishes to enter the Dialect competition, which the master disapproves. The master winds up showing up anyway, and Owen wins the Dialect Competition with the Martian dialect. / A woman who is new to the neighborhood learns about baby wrestling and her daughter fights. People bet on a winner

#22 - Technology

Season 3 - Episode 9 - Aired 3/27/2000

A new virtual reality workout, Cyberflex, is used. Astronaut Mike Berchwood appears again on his trip to France where hotel employees are in charge of the water, electricity, and tv channel changing. He is also in the middle of an edible panty experiment by NASA and is working in an office where phone calls begin to come in through the coffee machine and faxes come out of the microwave. Then he's stranded in a snowed-in cabin with 3 coworkers, and to pass the time they play a game in which they all say the worst thing they've done to someone else in the room without their knowing. One of the workers admits to Mike that back in the Saigon Suicide Show episode, he took Mike's body to his basement and hooked his brain into a reality matrix (a la The Matrix) and has been raping him from behind for 10 years and feeding him nothing but edible panties. He is saved when someone's Cyberflex program crosses over into his matrix.

#23 - Story of the Toad

Season 1 - Episode 6 - Aired 8/26/1998

The flower girl has troubles during the rehearsal of couple 223's wedding. A meeting at the self-help group the ugly club turns sour. "Maybe your not an ugly human being, but a good looking ape." Antoine goes to a park to demonstrate his new UnCommon Backrub(UCB) which includes rubbing the chest and groin. The Story of the Toad who left bread crumbs in the forrest so he could find his way back. The toad runs into one of his friends Harry the Hornless Unicorn.

#24 - Food

Season 3 - Episode 5 - Aired 2/21/2000

When a man eating Chinese food won't swap him for a plate of salad, Simmons gives up his firstborn son for a single grain of white rice, smothered in a half-dollop of moo-shu sauce. His son grows up to be the Glendale Fitness Authority, in charge of an ""anti-fatties"" organization. During a roundup of fat people, the Fitness Authority's birth parents are lured out with promises of ""free chocolate"" - but Simmons is rescued by the Fat Underground before he can be sent to the work-out camps. When the Fitness Authority learns Simmons is his birth father, he attempts to understand why his father abandoned him by eating a muffin from the Happy Bakery, shaped like a father giving up his baby. Also featured is Moleman's ex-girlfriend, who is heartbroken when Moleman won't come to the surface to meet her parents.

#25 - Hospital

Season 3 - Episode 3 - Aired 1/31/2000

A sick husband shares a strange dying wish with his wife. Grim reapers complain about work in the hospital break room and the Head Resident, Big Red Cat, helps patients in the emergency room. A doctor holds a medical seminar to prove that his patient can use "the Force." A patient has trouble getting his diagnosis. A man earns extra money as a subcontractor for the coroner's office by performing autopsies in his apartment. Orange Drink and Toady visit the doctor on account of a stomach ache. People have problems with helper animals. Meanwhile, Orange Drink and Toady mix and drink some medicine and are suddenly able to see grim reapers everywhere, so they try to warn the rest of the hospital of their presence.