The WORST episodes of RiffTrax

#1 - Austin, Alex and Shane: Max Keeble's Big Move!

Season 4 - Episode 811 - Aired 8/4/2014

Austin, Alex and Shane take a journey back into their "childhood" and riff, "Max Keebles Big Move!

#2 - Total Riff Off: Guy and a Goose

Season 5 - Episode 3 - Aired 4/5/2014

Meet Dominic. He’s in love with a goose. What’s that? You’ll be right back after you alert the authorities? We completely understand. So like we were saying, this guy is in love with a goose named Maria. He slowly walks around a park and she follows him. It’s riveting. The goose even flies next to him as he rides around on a Vespa. Eventually, Dominic has a severe Vespa accident, possibly because there was an enormous goose flapping around right next to his head while he was trying to drive. Oh, and at some point in time Maria appears in an OK Go music video. You can’t make this sort of stuff up, nor can you flesh it out to an entire hour long show, so we also riffed some alligator wrangling rednecks and a corpse sniffing dog named Bullwinkle. It’s a whole gaggle of laughs! Watch it with your loved ones, (who are hopefully not geese.)

#3 - Total Riff Off: Demon Bat

Season 5 - Episode 2 - Aired 4/5/2014

A giant demon bat is terrorizing a Mexican village! Well, it’s actual fairly normal sized, as far as bats go. It’s really no more a demon than any other bat, now that you mention it. And “terrorizing” is being a bit sensational. It bit a cow. Maybe. But it’s good that there’s not a giant demon bat, because the guy National Geographic sends in after it is woefully under qualified to handle such a thing. We’re frankly uncomfortable letting him near the cow. Richard Terry is a certified Poor Man’s Colin Farrell, with luxurious hair and a talent for pretending completely normal everyday scenarios are fraught with peril. He thrusts his camera in the face of irritated Mexicans and demands information about the demon bat that these people have never heard of, since they presumably are spending all their time dealing with real threats, such as the Chupacabra. This episode was so goofy we ended up riffing the entire thing. Enjoy Total Riff Off: Demon Bat.

#4 - Total Riff Off: Killer Shrimp N' Friends

Season 5 - Episode 1 - Aired 4/5/2014

Killer Shrimp ‘N Friends - no, it’s not a new appetizer platter at your favorite casual dining restaurant, but it IS a smorgasbord of strange creatures, people, and underwear! From a ball-breaking mantis shrimp, to the seemingly-named-by-Wes-Anderson Geographer’s Cone Snail, to a dog with a penchant for unmentionables, to the UTTERLY HORRIBLE thing baby koalas put into their mouths, there’s plenty of weird stuff in the natural world for us to sink our, er, teeth into. All that, plus an old man and his seal (strange reboot of the classic Hemingway novel), terrifying dino-birds, and tasmanian devils - not quite as tornado-y as cartoons have led us to believe, much more into “killing things and living inside them.” There’s a lot to love in this episode, almost too much really, so get to it and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill (and, seriously, some utterly disgusting koalas) for National Geographic's TOTAL RIFF OFF: Killer Shrimp ‘N Friends!

#5 - Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly

Season 5 - Episode 5 - Aired 12/16/2014

Oh, those weird wacky animals, will they ever learn? The answer is no, no they won’t, because they are weird wacky animals and weird wackiness is all they know. As the ancient ape prophet Chimpicles once said, “Let he who is without wackiness fling the first poo.” And further, well-behaved animals rarely make history, or even amusing headlines, and they CERTAINLY don’t make it into our Animals Behaving Badly special which, ultimately, is what this paragraph is all about! You like cheetahs? We’ve got one pooping in a sunroof. You like raccoons? We’ve got one gettin’ tossed like a frisbee. You like orangutans and/or cigarettes? We’ve got a segment that brings them together at last. You like rats with a penchant for devouring their young? We’ve got… wait, let’s go back to why you like that. Are you doing okay? No matter where you stand on weird wacky animals and the moral quality of their behavior, you’ll be happy you joined Mike, Kevin and Bill for this hilarious riff of Animals Behaving Badly!

#6 - Total Riff Off: Man V. Monster

Season 5 - Episode 4 - Aired 12/16/2014

Never one to let something like “not finding the made up creature we all knew never existed in the first place” discourage him, monster hunter Richard Terry is back on the prowl again! This time he’s seeking out the Mekong Flesh Eater, a creature that if it were real* would have the Thai people living in utter terror!** When a Thai woman is attacked by the creature while gathering shellfish in the river, Richard leaps into action and visits a cave that is not on the river. He bravely manages to get himself stuck almost immediately. Upon making the shocking discovery that the creature that attacked the woman in the river is not in an unrelated cave, he’s left to bumble around Thailand harassing the natives in search of a constantly changing goal that is at various times: a catfish, a cobra, a legendary creature called the Naga, D.B. Cooper, a fearsome catfish, and someone to lend him money for a plate of curry. Will Richard track down the legendary Mekong Flesh Eater? Will he button his shirt? Will he mistake a floating log for a monster in a particularly chilling scene? The answer to one of these questions is YES! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for another episode of Man V Monster, as originally seen on National Geographic. *It isn’t. **But it isn’t so they aren’t.

#7 - Fun in Balloonland

Season 1 - Episode 191 - Aired 11/24/2014

We would say that Fun In Balloonland is our favorite RiffTrax movie that we've ever done, but there’s just one problem: it’s hard to really describe it as a movie. It is an event. To attempt to describe its plot to you would be like attempting to divide by zero. There are balloons, there are kids, there is a parade, and there were mercifully cameras rolling to capture the madness. It’s a spectacle so cracked and baffling that you’ll have to double check to make sure it wasn’t recorded at Pirates World, home of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. In fact, the Ice Cream Bunny would have taken one look at this flick and begged off saying “Too weird for me man! Even I have my limits! Oh whoops, lost another kid off the back of the fire engine. Well, you’re gonna get that.” Fun In Balloon Land throws a whole casserole of crazy at the screen: kindergartners in gold lamé diapers, giant Indian stereotypes, a maniac of a parade host, blow fish who halfheartedly tell jokes, a lengthy guessing game, The Farmer In The Dell, two headed cats, and something called The Marrying Turkey. Then Santa shows up. Trust us, it will all make sense when you sit down and watch it.* We've been holding this one back for the holiday season ever since we discovered it at the beginning of the year and we’re delighted to finally present—no, unleash would be the better word—we’re delighted to unleash it to all of you. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and the Marrying Turkey for: Fun In Balloonland. *100% untrue.

#8 - Godzilla

Season 1 - Episode 190 - Aired 10/24/2014

Decades before somebody had the revolutionary idea to do a Godzilla remake that was “good” or “cool”, Hollywood hired the director of 2012 to make one that would be neither of those things but would instead have an ad campaign co-starring the Taco Bell chihuahua. Matthew Broderick stars as Dr. Niko Tatopoulos, because obviously when you have a character named Niko Tatopoulos, you get Matthew Broderick to play him. Co-starring is the hit Puff Daddy single “Almost Certainly the Low Point of Jimmy Page’s Career” (Sample lyrics: Uh-huh, Yeah, uuh / Uh-huh, Yeah, uuh.) And in all the commercials they showed that part where the guy gets stomped on. Somehow this is a two and a half hour long movie. About as scary as the Tamagotchi you had back in 1998 and about as loud and obnoxious as the Prodigy CD you were listening to that summer, Godzilla was one of the biggest RiffTrax Live titles we’ve ever done. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and roughly 82% of the cast of The Simpsons for this studio MP3 version of Godzilla! Original film made in 1998.

#9 - Toast and Rice: Good Against Evil

Season 4 - Episode 815 - Aired 9/19/2011

The Devil's not getting any younger. Sure, the Prince of Darkness was wild and unruly in his misspent youth. And, yes, he had his fun, what with raising an army against the heavens, leading mankind into temptation, and inspiring sports bars to buy karaoke machines. However, even the Evil One finds himself maturing, and wanting to find a nice girl and start a family. The problem, of course, is meeting the right woman. Unfortunately for the Dark Lord of the Underworld, he decided to settle down in the 1970s. Before the internet transformed romantic pursuits into proprietary algorithms, all the eternally damned could do to find true love was to claim an unborn child as an intended mate, control her upbringing through a diabolical cult, and hope that she matures into a woman who is not distracted by the irreverant charms of a van-dwelling stalker with a heart of gold. Which, yes, still has a better chance of working than the craigslist personals, but only slightly.

#10 - Hawk the Slayer

Season 1 - Episode 189 - Aired 10/17/2014

If you took a Dungeons & Dragons adventure written hastily by an 8th grader during study hall and turned it into a movie, you’d wind up with something a lot like Hawk the Slayer. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how they actually got the script. But this movie has something that no D&D adventure can claim: Jack Palance. A whole lot of Jack Palance. Specifically MEGA-EVIL Jack Palance, playing a character named Voltan. He yells, kills, yells, whisper-threatens, whisper-yells, kills, and mostly just yells his way across the countryside. Seems no one can stop him until his brother Hawk - yes, his brother, despite being about 40 years younger - gathers an elf, a dwarf, and a giant to take him down. Not as much dignity as a Fellowship of the Ring, more of a… Crew of the Stuff. Keen-eyed fans may recognize the dwarf from our release Prisoners of the Lost Universe. Also, the actor playing Hawk went on to portray Jack’s dad in Lost -- hmmm, Prisoners of the LOST Universe, LOST, time to dig up your old Lost conspiracy theories because there’s something happening here, IT’S ALL CONNECTED. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a heaping helping of Jack the Palance and Hawk the Slayer! Original film made in 1980.

#11 - R.O.T.O.R.

Season 1 - Episode 188 - Aired 10/3/2014

R.O.T.O.R. could be described as The Room meets Cyborg Cop 2, and if that makes any sense to you at all then you know how excited we are about it! It’s an embarrassment of riches, where to begin? Our hero Captain J.B. Coldyron, police robotics genius and ranch owner, whose dialogue was all dubbed by a different actor and written by a different species? The goofy office robot who somehow possesses more sophisticated intelligence than the dangerous “advanced” prototype on the loose, aka R.O.T.O.R.? Or what the acronym R.O.T.O.R. itself stands for: Robotic Officer of the Tactical Operations Research. Yes, the last word in the killer police robot’s name is Research, for some reason. Except later in the movie, when it suddenly stands for Reserve instead. Why? If you want an explanation, you’d better ask Shoeboogie, the wacky Native American janitor who loves to dance. Actually, don’t ask Shoeboogie anything, it’s probably best to avoid all eye contact with Shoeboogie. Coldyron! Research! Shoeboogie! If you say those words real fast they kind of sound like a song, but they’re also three of the many reasons you should join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the wonder of wonders that is R.O.T.O.R.!

#12 - The Sword and the Sorcerer

Season 1 - Episode 187 - Aired 9/12/2014

And the 80s said, “let there be fantasy movies,” and there were fantasy movies, and they were good. Well, they weren’t really. But lo, raise thy flagon to the 80s, for through the mists of legendry* (*actual phrase from the movie) they bring us The Sword and the Sorcerer! Before George R.R. Martin ever Gamed a Throne, The Sword and the Sorcerer had a witch bringing forth a hideous monster, a noble family of good guys getting wiped out, and even a Red Wedding! Or at least a Magenta Wedding. It also has a three-bladed sword that shoots blades, the kind of idea that seems like it could only have been pitched by an 8 year old boy right after the phrase “You know what would be COOL?” Follow the adventures of our hero, Talon, a rogue/warrior/buccaneer/general/upholsterer/freelance architect/hooker with a heart of gold, as he gets vengeance and shoots his sword and swings on ropes and whatnot, y’know, hero stuff. It’s high fantasy, just like the blacklight posters and pewter figurines at Spencer’s Gifts envisioned! Join The Mike and The Bill and The Kevin for The Sword and the Sorcerer!

#13 - Ronin Fox Trax: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

Season 4 - Episode 814 - Aired 8/25/2014

All good things come to an end. Also this. Freddy's Dead*: The Final Nightmare*, the last movie ever made in the A Nightmare on Elm Street series.* The one that ended it all.* the nail in the straw-filled coffin that broke the camel's back.* Freddy Krueger takes his ultimate bow in this classic of horror cinema.* Watch as Freddy murders children with everything at his disposal except for the deadly weapon we wears at all times. Uncover the top secret origins of Freddy's supernatural powers at the hands of demonic tadpoles. Follow the clues to the ultra secret identity of Freddy's own child from the pool of one age appropriate choice. Ronin Fox and Vamperica join Spencer, Carlos, Tracy, Maggie, Dopey and Doc as we shovel some dirt on this tired franchise. Now we leave it behind, never to return.*

#14 - Austin and Shane: Batman and Robin!

Season 4 - Episode 813 - Aired 8/18/2014

Austin and Shane go back to 1997 and rip apart arguably the worst superhero film of all time, "Batman and Robin"!

#15 - The Anime Riffer: Legend of Korra: Episodes 1&2

Season 4 - Episode 812 - Aired 8/10/2014

Its been 70 years Since Avatar Aang has died, and the shenangins are still going! Join me on my First ever blind riff of the series, two at a time!

#16 - Wonder Women

Season 1 - Episode 192 - Aired 1/2/2015

A fiendish super-villain is kidnapping star jai alai players in order to harvest their organs! Even more shocking, someone pitched that plot to a Hollywood executive and they said “Yes, we’ll make that movie!” And when you want an obscure paddle sport champion kidnapped, there’s only one group to turn to: The Wonder Women! No job is too big, no outfit too skimpy, no catfight with fellow Wonder Women worth passing up! (Warning: Please note that we said Women, not Woman. This movie does not contain any invisible airplanes or golden lassos. If you or a loved one dons an American flag style leotard at any point during the viewing, please consult a doctor, especially if it’s grandpa doing the donning.) The only thing that stands in their way is Ross Hagen. Well, Ross Hagen and several thousand Filipino citizens who were apparently unaware that a movie was being filmed and literally stand in the way during the movie’s several chase scenes. Fortunately, their lives were endangered, quite possibly lost, for a quality production, one that uses something called “Brain Sex” as a central plot point. Mike, Kevin, and Bill don Linda Carter’s Bracelets of Submission to riff Wonder Women, the rare sort of movie that manages to rip off Charlie’s Angels despite coming out three years before Charlie’s Angels.

#17 - Rabbit Ears: Murder on Flight 502

Season 4 - Episode 810 - Aired 8/25/2014

While watching the 70's made-for-tv movie of the week "Murder on Flight 502," Dan gets into the act by ordering a 70's Lincoln. In the middle of the scene where Farah Fawcett decides to slaughter Sonny Bono for being the most annoying man on Earth, Dan's order arrives...but nobody is prepared for the results.

#18 - Widow's Hill Notes to Dark Shadows, Episodes 11-20

Season 4 - Episode 809 - Aired 8/7/2014

A Dark Shadows Episode Guide For People Who Don't Watch Dark Shadows (Formerly titled "Dostoyevsky's Notes From 6 Feet Underground") Widows Hill Notes are a kind of Cliff Notes-style Episode Guide to the early, Monster-Lite days of the series, (the so-called 'Pre-Barnabas Episodes') but written in a Fractured Fairy Tales style, in order to accentuate the show's natural quirkiness. Each Rifftrack in the series will cover 10 half hour episodes, for an eventual total of 191. These will be the first Rifftrax .mp3's that do not need to be synched with the DVD for use. In fact, neither ownership nor any previous familiarity whatsoever with the Dark Shadows series is required. Like Cliff Notes, these notes are intended as a substitute rather than an aid for doing your homework. (And every college student knows there'd be no point in using Cliff Notes if they didn't save you from having to read the book.) Since the DVD is not required, you can listen to these notes while jogging, skydiving, in the car, or on the lam. In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd almost think we had invented the Book on Tape.

#19 - Nailsin Riffs: Flash Gordon:Space Soldiers Conquer the Universe, Chapter 2

Season 4 - Episode 808 - Aired 7/21/2014

Chapter Two of Flash Gordon:Space Soldiers Conquer The Universe. Ming pouts and feels sorry for himself while Flash and his gang go hiking in the mountains.

#20 - Nailsin Riffs: Batman And Robin Chapter Nine

Season 4 - Episode 807 - Aired 7/19/2014

In Chapter 9 Of Batman And Robin, "The Wizard Strikes Back!" Actually all he does is burn out his remote control machine. Meanwhile Vicki's brother proves he's still a piece of crap. Contains music by Kevin MacLeod.

#21 - Austin, Lucas and Shane: The Wickerman

Season 4 - Episode 806 - Aired 8/4/2014

Me and my pals Lucas and Shane will be providing commentary for the atrocity that is just so hilarious.....Nic Cage's, "The Wickerman"! There'll be lots of language in the video.

#22 - Rabbit Ears Short #14: The Brink of Disaster (part 2)

Season 4 - Episode 805 - Aired 7/16/2014

Hold on to your seats folks! It's time to revisit the college library for another debate about pretty much everything. Hopefully in this conclusion, we learn why Johnny is seeing his great great grandfather in a vision, and why the professor also sees him. We might also get the answers to whether or not rioters will ambush the library, and how much marijuana is too much. Who are we kidding...none of these questions will be answered. But at least they meant well, right?

#23 - SRD's Movie Night: The Alphabet Conspiracy

Season 4 - Episode 804 - Aired 7/15/2014

In his second full length riff, Dave Chadwick (aka Sugar Ray Dodge) takes on the 1959 film "The Alphabet Conspiracy." This riff also features Playful Polar Bears and How to Keep a Job.

#24 - Bald Move: Star Trek: TNG - Justice

Season 4 - Episode 803 - Aired 7/11/2014

Riker is a perv, Worf is a sexist, God is a coffee maker and Picard is a huge dick. What more do you need to know? This is Bald Move's first and, potentially, not last iRiff.

#25 - Josh Head: Ray Gun Rebecca

Season 4 - Episode 802 - Aired 7/13/2014