The WORST episodes of Quark
Every episode of Quark ever, ranked from worst to best by thousands of votes from fans of the show. The worst episodes of Quark!
Quark, a spoof on the 1970s Star Wars craze, focused on the lives and misadventures of a garbage truck crew, whose truck happened to be from outer space. Each week, Quark, the crew leader, took the garbage collectors aboard the truck for intergalactic adventures.
#1 - Quark
Season 1 - Episode 1 - Aired 5/7/1977
It's 10:17 Galaxy Time, April 2, as we see Quark picking up space garbage for the United Galaxy Sanitation Patrol. We are then introduced to Adam Quark and his wacky crew, Gene/Jean, O.B. Mudd, the Betty's, and Andy the Android. We are then taken to Space Station Perma One where we find Palindrome and The Head discussing the impending destruction of the galaxy by a giant enzyme cloud. They conclude that the only hope is to sacrifice Quark and his crew for the sake of the masses. But before the laser-gram message comes from Perma One to Quark, Andy the robot ejects a bag of garbage, feeds the enzyme cloud, and the galaxy is saved. As a reward, Quark gets his permanent mission to scour the Universe - for garbage of course!
#2 - Goodbye, Polumbus
Season 1 - Episode 5 - Aired 3/17/1978
The Head has reason to believe that the dreaded Gorgons are behind a dastardly plot concerning the planet Polumbus, so he sends Quark on a suicide mission to the planet. When they reach Polumbus, the Betty's, Ficus, and Quark beam down to the planet, and strange occurrences start to happen. The Betty's become transfixed with two handsome dancing men and Quark is enchanted by a beautiful and tempting woman. They soon discover other starship commanders who are happy and content on Polumbus due to the presence of "The Limbicon." In short order, we find that Quark and his entire crew are involved in their own fantasies and adventures on Polumbus - Ficus with a math teacher, Adam with Diane from his academy days, to name a few. Adam concludes that all on Polumbus worship The Limbicon since it provides them pleasurable fantasies, which makes all of them find their own paradise, trapping them on Polumbus forever. Quark realizes that he must destroy The Limbicon, but he has to overcome his temptations to stay with Diane and all of the pleasures she can give him. He bravely musters all of his mental strength and successfully destroys The Limbicon, allowing him to find the true inhabitants of Polumbus - the Clay People. With his mission complete Quark bids goodbye to Diane and goodbye to Polumbus.
#3 - All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms (2)
Season 1 - Episode 7 - Aired 3/31/1978
We start with a recap of last week's episode and find out that Zorgon the Malevolent is pleased that Quark has directed him to the asteroid Rumbar and "It." As a reward, Zorgon decides to feed Quark and the Betty's to a Lizagoth on the asteroid Rumbar! Meanwhile Libido rescues Ficus from death by a laser and Gene/Jean successfully keeps Zorgon's crew off guard. On the asteroid as Quark and the Betty's are about to be eaten by a Lizagoth, they are saved by the Barron of the Forrest People. The Barron tells Quark the legend of "It" and later that evening Quark finds "It" and with the power of "It" Quark becomes invincible. Now with "It" Quark returns to the starship to vanquish Zorgon and save the United Galaxy.
#4 - All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms (1)
Season 1 - Episode 6 - Aired 3/24/1978
Quark expects to be on a good will mission, but it turns out that he is to pick up garbage as usual. But this isn't a usual mission as Quark and his crew are quickly captured by Zorgon the Malevolent, the most vicious Gorgon space pirate and half brother to the high Gorgon himself! Soon after being captured they meet Zorgon's daughter, the empress Libido, who is quickly captivated by Ficus and falls in love with him. But Zorgon is more interested in finding "It" and he thinks that Quark knows what "It" is and where "It" is located. Under pressure of having his crew crushed to death Quark reveals that "It" is located on the asteroid Rumbar; but Quark is only bluffing! To avoid Zorgon finding out about the bluff the crew decides to have Ficus make love to Libido, however, Ficus is confused and instead decides to pollinate with Libido. But luck is not with them, as Zorgon catches Ficus and Libido in the act of pollination and he decides that Quark and his crew are must to die; Ficus to be cut in half by a laser and the Betty's to be crushed in a compactor. Zorgon is about to find "It" but what terrible fate could be next for the crew and the United Galaxy? We'll find out when the conclusion comes next week!
#5 - Vanessa 38-24-36
Season 1 - Episode 8 - Aired 4/7/1978
We are on Perma One and it's a joyous Holiday Number 11; it seems a lot like Christmas on Earth! But holiday or not, Quark is told by The Head that he's going to be the subject of his latest experiment. Reluctantly, Quark goes with Palindrome and he's introduced to the United Galaxy's leading computer scientist Dr. Cheryl Evans and Vanessa 38-24-36, the most advanced computer of its kind in the Galaxy. Quark is told that he and his crew are about to be proved obsolete by Vanessa! It isn't long until Vanessa tests Quark's abilities as a commander with a simulated Gorgon attack, but Adam's human instinct succeeds in thwarting Vanessa's challenge. However, Vanessa won't let up and attempts to kill Quark by ejecting him into space, but Quark manages to survive and unite his crew in an attempt to dismantle Vanessa. Again Vanessa catches on and disables the crew with sleeping gas, but Quark outwits Vanessa sending her to an outer space grave, thus proving that man can prevail over machine. Unfortunately, Quark could not prevail over the NBC network executives and this turns out to be the last mission that we will ever get to see.
#6 - The Good, the Bad and the Ficus
Season 1 - Episode 4 - Aired 3/10/1978
Quark and his crew leave Perma One on their usual mission to collect garbage, but this is no ordinary mission. Their starship is sucked into a black hole causing the it to vibrate and putting the ship under abnormal pressure. But, instead of the ship exploding, they survive the passage though the black hole only to be split into two separate starships. Ficus soon determines that the black hole they passed through was an antiuniverse and Quark now faces his antiself, an evil Adam Quark who vows to destroy the good Adam Quark. To make things worse Quark finds out that all of the forces of the United Galaxy have been sent to destroy him, making him realize that it isn't very pretty what a Galaxy without pity can do. Quark's only hope is to fight his evil self; a fight that will be to his death. But good always wins over evil and Quark is able to vanquish his antiself and send the evil starship back into the black hole thus saving himself and his crew for future adventures.
#7 - The Old and the Beautiful
Season 1 - Episode 3 - Aired 3/3/1978
The Head gives Quark a mission to spend an extended romantic interlude with a princess. Elated about his orders, Quark is later told by Palindrome that this is a secret mission to an unknown location. Quark and his crew set out from Perma One on the secret mission and along the trip they pick up a space baggie that they find in their way. But the bag they pickup gets jammed in the spacecraft's pickup door so Quark goes to fix the problem. When he is finished with the fix, Quark appears visibly older. This leads Ficus to conclude that Quark is aging at a rate of 2 years per hour due to a virus he encountered from the space baggie. Even though the crew attempts to cure Quark, all of their attempts fail. Quark is given final orders by Palindrome that he must complete an interlude with the beautiful and voluptuous Princess Carna in order to maintain a treaty with the dreaded Gorgons. Quark doubts that he can complete the mission, given his advancing age and senility, but he gives it a try anyway. He goes to see her and when he returns Quark has returned to his former youthful self leaving him to conclude that this was the best assignment he's ever had.
#8 - May the Source Be with You
Season 1 - Episode 2 - Aired 2/24/1978
Panic is breaking loose at Perma One as The Head summons Palindrome, Quark, and other starship commanders to tell them that they will soon do battle with their arch enemies - the dreaded Gorgons. The Head orders Quark to seek out and destroy the Gorgon's doomsday ship down to Quark's last breath of life! Upon further orders from The Head, Palindrome gives Quark the United Galaxies greatest weapon - The Source; a weapon with great powers and the ability to wage a fight between good and evil! Together with The Source, Quark finds himself able to vanquish the Gorgons and save the United Galaxies for another day. When Quark returns to Perma One, The Head promotes him to commander of his own starship, but when Quark finds that he cannot take his loyal crew with him, he refuses the promotion only to find The Head elated to comply with Quark's dumb request.