The BEST episodes of The Osbournes
Every episode of The Osbournes ever, ranked from best to worst by thousands of votes from fans of the show. The best episodes of The Osbournes!
The Cleavers, the Bradys, the Huxtables...and now the Osbournes. It's the next generation of family-oriented sitcom, a reality-based comedy that follows the lives of Ozzy Osbourne and his family. There's no script, the situations are real, the family is normal...well, sort of. Theme song: Crazy, but hey that's how it goes. Millions of people living as foes--maybe it's not too late...to learn how to love, and forget how to hate!
#1 - It's a Hard Knock Life
Season 2 - Episode 7 - Aired 1/21/2003
Kelly grows frustrated with all of the appearances she must make as a recording artist. She yells and screams at everyone. Sharon sympathizes with her, noting that she just wants to be a teenager and is having a hard time handling all of the demands being placed on her. She asks Ozzy to go talk to Kelly and reassure her. Kelly quickly sends him scampering away as she throws a screaming fit. Kelly flies to New York to work on her album. She does a photo shoot for Vanity Fair, and ends up storming off and having another tantrum. She later meets P.Diddy at a party. He asks her to be his guest and gives her an expensive watch as an apology after one of his security guards knocks her down. Sharon becomes fascinated with the idea of becoming P.Diddy's mother-in-law, and embarrasses Kelly by refusing to stop talking about it. Ozzy and Kelly listen to some of her songs together. He tells her that she has done well and expresses his pride. Meanwhile, Jack has problems with a band th
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#3 - Meow Means No!
Season 2 - Episode 6 - Aired 1/14/2003
Kelly recruits her friend Sarah to play the drums in her band. However, Sarah has never had any formal lessons, and can't seem to keep up with the others during rehearsals. Everyone becomes very frustrated, and reaches the conclusion that Sarah must be replaced by someone with more experience. Kelly can't bring herself to fire her friend, so Sharon volunteers to handle it. Sarah gets $10,000 for her services, and a job handling the slate during the filming of Kelly's video for "Shut Up." Dill returns to town, and Jack invites him to stay at the house. Ozzy is not thrilled about this, but doesn't stand in his way. Dill and Jack engage in a political debate that seems to bore the rest of their friends. They later engage in a bizarre wrestling match in the driveway that finds them stripping half-naked. One of the dogs, Arthur, becomes too frisky as he deals with leftover "feelings" after being fixed. The family believes that Arthur has raped Gus the cat, although a veterinarian
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#4 - For the Record
Season 1 - Episode 3 - Aired 3/19/2002
Ozzy makes the rounds to promote the release of his new album, Down to Earth. He reluctantly takes a limousine (which he hates) to Tower Records for an in-store appearance. Kelly attends the event and is surprised when several fans recognize her. Ozzy and Sharon are later guests on Loveline. Jack listens to the show and is horrified when his parents discuss their sex life. Jack goes away on a camping trip with his school while Ozzy, Sharon and Kelly are in New York. Ozzy appears on Late Night With Conan O'Brien and MTV's TRL, where Kelly joins him for a promo. Jack hates the camp, and gets in trouble for throwing rocks at other campers and arguing with the counselors. Sharon tries to help Kelly's best friend, Robert, shop for a gift for her 17th birthday. The family throws a big party in Kelly's honor. She goes out with her friends after the party and winds up getting a tattoo, which she unsuccessfully tries to hide from Sharon.
#5 - No Vagrancy
Season 1 - Episode 8 - Aired 4/23/2002
Jack invites his friend Jason Dill, a professional skateboarder, to stay at the house after he is kicked out of the home of yet another of his friends. Ozzy and Sharon are more than a little put off by the fact that Jack just lets Dill come over without telling them, let alone asking for permission. Dill is obnoxious and slovenly, and creeps out Ozzy and others with his habit of always scratching his head. Dill also smokes and drinks a lot, and Sharon is annoyed to find a bottle of Jack Daniels with his belongings. She decides that she is going to go to the bathroom in the bottle, but Kelly pleads with her not to do this. Dill accidentally starts a fire in the kitchen, doing damage to a pan and the stovetop. Jack is irritated by the fact that Dill is the only one who doesn't seem to be helping clean up the mess, although Dill points out that he would only make things worse. Ozzy and Sharon finally persuade Jack to ask Dill to leave the house.
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#6 - Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness
Season 2 - Episode 8 - Aired 1/28/2003
Ozzy grows increasingly tired of the dogs and their tendency to go to the bathroom everywhere. Because Sharon's immune system is very weak due to the chemo, he fears that all of the germs will cause her to develop an infection. He constantly cleans everything and tries to get everyone to wear gloves around Sharon. He also urges Sharon not to let the dogs on the bed, but she ignores him. Ozzy meets with a contractor about plans to build an outdoor kennel for all of the dogs, but Sharon quickly kills this idea. Jack and Sharon argue when she insists on going out to dinner. He believes she should rest, but she is feeling well and can't stand to be cooped up in the house. Sharon takes Robert shopping for furniture for his new room. She explains that Robert was a good friend to Aimee and Kelly after the Osbournes moved from England, so they have taken him in after his mother's death (from colon cancer). Jack bonds with Robert and shows him how to make one of his favorite treats, be
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#7 - What Goes Up...
Season 2 - Episode 1 - Aired 11/26/2002
Jack tries to deal with the annoying tourists who have begun showing up at the Osbournes' house since the show became a hit. He uses remote control sprinklers to encourage the trespassers to leave the premises. Ozzy and Sharon travel to Washington, D.C. to attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. The president mentions Ozzy during his remarks, prompting Ozzy to stand and salute the crowd. He immediately travels to London the next day, while Sharon returns to Los Angeles to watch Kelly perform "Papa Don't Preach" at the MTV Movie Awards. Kelly believes that Jack is jealous of her success, but he seems genuinely excited for her as he watches her performance. Jack also tracks one of his favorite actresses, Natalie Portman, and gets to sit on her lap. Kelly moves to New York for a few months to work on her album. As Sharon travels with her, she comments on the family's success and expresses her fear that something terrible will come along to bring them back to earth.
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#8 - Beauty and the Bert
Season 2 - Episode 4 - Aired 12/17/2002
Kelly begins dating Bert McCracken, lead singer of the band The Used. Sharon worries after hearing some stories about Bert (particularly the vulgar nickname he has within his band), while Jack thinks that Bert is weird because he professed his love to Kelly after only a few weeks of dating. Kelly warns that she will run off to Vegas and marry before the end of the year. Sharon actually encourages this, saying that she needs some excitement. Sharon worries about the situation, but Ozzy encourages her to relax and just focus on living one day at a time. Sharon wants Bert to stay at the house (and sleep in Jack's room) when his band comes to town. Kelly refuses to bring him over to meet the family because she fears they will threaten or embarrass him. She finally tries to sneak him into the house, but Sharon catches them. She asks Bert about his nickname, leaving Kelly mortified. Meanwhile, Ozzy has more problems with the television set, which winds up stuck on a cooking channel
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#9 - Must Come Down
Season 2 - Episode 2 - Aired 12/3/2002
Sharon recuperates at the family's Malibu beach house while undergoing treatment for colon cancer. She vows to beat the disease, and tries to maintain as normal a life as possible. Everyone talks about their reactions to the news of her diagnosis. Ozzy struggles to remain sober while on tour with Ozzfest. He had already been going through detox, and the news of Sharon's illness has made a difficult situation much worse. A family friend/employee tries to help Ozzy by helping him get into yoga and reading him poetry, but Ozzy is decidedly less than impressed. Some people try to talk to him about how religion helped them overcome their addictions, but he does not want any part of it. He is terrified by the prospect of losing Sharon, and doesn't want to be away from her. However, he elects to tough it out and stay on tour because he doesn't want to cause Sharon any further stress. Ozzy comes home for a few days during a break in the tour. Sharon tries to have a fire going in the
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#10 - The Ozz Man and the Sea
Season 2 - Episode 3 - Aired 12/10/2002
Kelly travels to Europe for a series of interviews and appearances. She is upset when her bag is lost (apparently seized by security because of concerns over her gun-shaped pin), leaving her without any extra underwear. She first visits Germany, where she deals with several adoring fans and tries to fake her way through a radio interview conducted in German. Kelly then goes to England to perform "Papa Don't Preach" on Top of the Pops. Jack heads to North Carolina to film a guest spot for Dawson's Creek. Sharon is depressed about the fact that everyone is away at the same time. Ozzy tries to cheer her up by building a fire outside the beach house so that she can spend some time outside. The fire department gives him some advice on building a pit for the fire, but the ocean is not very cooperative. When the fire finally gets going, Ozzy gives Sharon a good laugh when he tries to catch a fish in the ocean--and ends up falling on his butt.
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#11 - Get Stuffed
Season 1 - Episode 7 - Aired 4/16/2002
Ozzy mixes alcohol with the pain medication for his foot injury and winds up stoned. He tries to take Lola for a walk, but Sharon sends Jack to retrieve him. The Osbournes suffer through a miserable Thanksgiving. Ozzy works on the video for his song "Dreamer," and adamantly refuses to wear a bat coat. Kelly grows frustrated when the media continually mentions Jack's work with Epic Records, as she feels they are implying that she isn't doing anything with her life. She angrily insists that she actually discovered the band that Jack is helping, and that he hasn't given her any credit. She turns to Ozzy for sympathy, but he isn't quite sure what he wants her to say. Ozzy grows fed up with the family and insists on returning to the tour alone. Sharon, Jack and Kelly decide to surprise him in Chicago for his birthday. They hide from him until his birthday because they fear he would become angry if he saw them before his birthday dinner.
#12 - Pain in the Neck
Season 3 - Episode 8 - Aired 4/20/2004
Ozzy grows increasingly frustrated about being cooped up around the house. He misses Sharon, who is busy working on her show, and is upset about the weight he has been gaining because he cannot work out. He also hates the bulky neck brace that he is forced to wear. Jack gets another tattoo and reveals it to Ozzy. Ozzy is so bored that he goes out grocery shopping with his assistant, Tony, even though he hates to shop. He later joins Jack at the shooting range. Ozzy is soon able to begin using the treadmill again, and receives the good news that he can take off the neck brace.
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#13 - The Show Must Go Oz
Season 3 - Episode 1 - Aired 1/27/2004
Sharon faces pressure from the powers that be behind her talk show, who are disappointed in her performance and expect her to work harder. She refuses to incorporate their suggestions into the show. Kelly and Jack grow tired of appearing on Sharon's show; both refuse her request for a co-hosting appearance. Ozzy very reluctantly agrees to appear in the Halloween episode. He believes that he is going to just be a guest, and is furious when he learns (at the last minute) that he is to serve as co-host. Meanwhile, the Osbournes' property undergoes some re-decorating. The workmen struggle to move a gigantic Buddha statue across the yard.
#14 - Fists of Fury
Season 2 - Episode 14 - Aired 7/1/2003
Ozzy and Sharon prepare to leave for a few days on a Hawaiian vacation. Ozzy tells Jack that he is no longer to have people over at the house after 11 PM. Kelly is afraid that Jack will turn the house into a nonstop party while their parents are gone. Sharon promises to talk to him, but this does little to reassure Kelly. Jack has a lot of people over late at night, and they soon begin using the pool and making a lot of noise. Kelly becomes very upset because she is tired of Jack and his friends keeping her from sleeping. He refuses to listen to Melinda when she asks them to be quiet. When Kelly confronts Jack, he dares her to hit him, so she nails him in the face. They get into a fight, and the staff has to pry them apart. Kelly calls Sharon for sympathy, but Jack gets on the line and complains about the cuts to the face he sustained from the punch. Kelly feels Jack deserved what he got; Melinda agrees somewhat, but warns Kelly to be careful about her temper. Sharon and Ozz
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#15 - The Accidental Tourist (1)
Season 3 - Episode 5 - Aired 2/24/2004
Kelly and Ozzy plan to travel to England, where they are to perform a duet of "Changes," the title track from Kelly's sophomore album, on Top of the Pops. Ozzy upsets Kelly by saying that he doesn't want to come with her, but Sharon assures her that he will change his mind. Kelly's boyfriend, Rob, joins her on the trip. Ozzy annoys Kelly when he immediately complains of boredom and says that he wants to go back to Los Angeles. They later get along well while riding ATVs on the family's estate. Everyone seems pleased with their duet, and Ozzy predicts that it could hit number one on the U.K. charts. Before a talk show appearance, Kelly gets into a fight with Rob. They apparently break up, and he returns to the U.S. Ozzy suffers an accident while riding one of the ATVs. His bodyguard finds him lying on the ground, unconscious.
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#16 - Scent of a Woman
Season 3 - Episode 7 - Aired 4/13/2004
Kelly annoys everyone, particularly Sharon, with her disgusting lack of personal hygiene as she refuses to shower for a long period of time. She is upset when Sharon accuses her of smoking. Ozzy receives a letter supposedly from the Prime Minister of Canada asking him to come to Canada to receive an award. Ozzy, however, suspects that the whole thing is a hoax.
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#17 - Won't You Be My Neighbor?
Season 1 - Episode 4 - Aired 3/26/2002
Aimee (Ozzy and Sharon's eldest daughter) schedules Kelly for a gynecologist's appointment without her consent. A panicked Ozzy fears that this means Kelly is sexually active, and refuses to listen to her claims to the contrary. The Osbournes' neighbors continually irritate them by blasting loud music outdoors in the middle of the night. Sharon confronts them, and tries to invite them over for tea to talk about the situation. They do not show up. On another night, the neighbors gather outside singing folk songs. Jack tries to counteract them by playing Norwegian death metal, and goes over to argue with them. Sharon winds up throwing a ham and bagels over the fence, prompting the neighbors to call the police. The cops arrive and tell Sharon to call them instead of getting into a confrontation. Ozzy finally becomes fed up with the late night parties. Despite Sharon's pleas, he goes next door and throws a log through the window.
#18 - Ozzy Knows Best
Season 3 - Episode 9 - Aired 4/27/2004
Ozzy is upset by Kelly's tendency to wear revealing outfits when she goes out to clubs and parties. She feels that he is being overprotective. Ozzy worries about the behavior of one of the bulldogs, Colin, as he is attacking the other dogs (especially Lola). He tries to give him away to an employee, but Jack strongly objects. Ozzy grows frustrated, as he feels that no one pays attention to anything he says. He and Jack eventually patch things up, and Sharon tries to get through to Kelly.
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#19 - A Very Ozzy Christmas
Season 1 - Episode 9 - Aired 4/30/2002
As Christmas approaches, Sharon goes on a shopping spree in New York while on tour with Ozzy and Jack. They learn that Michael, their security guard, has been arrested for robbing the house behind theirs. Michael denies any wrongdoing and insists that it was all a misunderstanding. He says he is filing a suit for wrongful arrest. The family, including Ozzy's eldest son Louis, gathers for the holidays. Christmas dinner features a number of arguments, but also several bright spots. Ozzy is very excited about the gravy he helped prepare. Jack receives a knife as a gift, but his parents want to take it away because they fear he will get into trouble with the law.
Watch Now:Amazon#20 - Tennis Racket
Season 2 - Episode 16 - Aired 7/15/2003
Sharon receives a peace offering from one of her folk-singing neighbors, but the neighbors on the other side begin to drive the family crazy by playing tennis at all hours of the day and night. Jack tries playing drums outside, and Ozzy blasts the loudest, most obnoxious music he can find. However, nothing seems to have an effect on the neighbors. Jack shoots at the court with his paintball gun, leading to a visit from the police. Sharon suspects that the neighbors are responsible when three of the Osbournes' cats disappear, although the coyotes seem the more likely culprit. Kelly brings home another cat, but Ozzy isn't very happy about it.
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#21 - Return of the Ring
Season 3 - Episode 4 - Aired 2/17/2004
Ozzy loses a diamond pinkie ring that is worth over $100,000. He becomes obsessed with trying to find it, and pleads with Sharon not to buy any more jewelry. She doesn't pay attention to his decree, and also buys his and her Bentleys. Ozzy eventually finds the ring, but is upset to learn that Sharon plans to buy Kelly a ring for her birthday. Meanwhile, one of the dogs, Colin, has to be fixed because he continuously humps everything in sight.
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#22 - Have Ozz Will Travel (1)
Season 4 - Episode 2 - Aired 1/24/2005
The family tries to decide where to go on vacation. Sharon turns down Fiji because none of the hotels meet her standards, while Ozzy nixes a number of other locations for various reasons. Sharon ultimately decides on Hawaii, although Ozzy is still reluctant to go. Meanwhile, Kelly wins a major role in a television pilot. She must miss out on the family's vacation to go to Vancouver for filming.
#23 - 28 Days Later
Season 4 - Episode 5 - Aired 2/14/2005
Kelly struggles to adjust to life in rehab, and frequently calls home requesting various personal belongings. She wants to leave, but Jack urges her to tough it out. Jack celebrates both his birthday and a year of sobriety. Kelly arrives home and becomes frustrated by the curfew and other rules she must follow. She clashes with her mother often, and accuses Sharon of messing with her head when she expresses her concerns.
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#24 - Car Jacked
Season 3 - Episode 2 - Aired 2/3/2004
Jack turns 18 and receives a car as a birthday present. Kelly doesn't believe that he will pass his driver's test because he is such a poor driver, but Sharon disagrees. Jack practices parallel parking with his assistant, and winds up crashing into another car. Jack passes his test, receiving a perfect score on the driving portion of the exam. Meanwhile, Kelly frets about yet another confrontation with Christina Aguilera, this time during the MTV Europe Awards.
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Season 2 - Episode 12 - Aired 6/17/2003
The pets suffer from a flea infestation, creating havoc around the house and leaving everyone itchy and miserable. Kelly prepares to go on a trip to Philadelphia to visit her boyfriend, Bert. Sharon does not want her to go away alone (she prefers her to have security at all times), and drives Kelly crazy as she somewhat jokingly nags her. Sharon has Robert and Jack move a heavy statue out to the garden, but never seems satisfied by the location. She forces them to move it several times. The house is redecorated, and Ozzy finds himself extremely bewildered by a giant statue of a hand. Kelly goes against her parents' wishes and gets a nose ring, which Sharon wants her to remove. Kelly later mistakes the nose ring for something on her nose and accidentally flicks it out.
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