The BEST episodes of The Osbournes
Every episode of The Osbournes ever, ranked from best to worst by thousands of votes from fans of the show. The best episodes of The Osbournes!
The Cleavers, the Bradys, the Huxtables...and now the Osbournes. It's the next generation of family-oriented sitcom, a reality-based comedy that follows the lives of Ozzy Osbourne and his family. There's no script, the situations are real, the family is normal...well, sort of. Theme song: Crazy, but hey that's how it goes. Millions of people living as foes--maybe it's not too late...to learn how to love, and forget how to hate!
#1 - It's a Hard Knock Life
Season 2 - Episode 7 - Aired 1/21/2003
Kelly grows frustrated with all of the appearances she must make as a recording artist. She yells and screams at everyone. Sharon sympathizes with her, noting that she just wants to be a teenager and is having a hard time handling all of the demands being placed on her. She asks Ozzy to go talk to Kelly and reassure her. Kelly quickly sends him scampering away as she throws a screaming fit. Kelly flies to New York to work on her album. She does a photo shoot for Vanity Fair, and ends up storming off and having another tantrum. She later meets P.Diddy at a party. He asks her to be his guest and gives her an expensive watch as an apology after one of his security guards knocks her down. Sharon becomes fascinated with the idea of becoming P.Diddy's mother-in-law, and embarrasses Kelly by refusing to stop talking about it. Ozzy and Kelly listen to some of her songs together. He tells her that she has done well and expresses his pride. Meanwhile, Jack has problems with a band th
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#2 - For the Record...
Season 1 - Episode 3 - Aired 3/19/2002
Ozzy makes the rounds to promote the release of his new album, Down to Earth. He reluctantly takes a limousine (which he hates) to Tower Records for an in-store appearance. Kelly attends the event and is surprised when several fans recognize her. Ozzy and Sharon are later guests on Loveline. Jack listens to the show and is horrified when his parents discuss their sex life. Jack goes away on a camping trip with his school while Ozzy, Sharon and Kelly are in New York. Ozzy appears on Late Night With Conan O'Brien and MTV's TRL, where Kelly joins him for a promo. Jack hates the camp, and gets in trouble for throwing rocks at other campers and arguing with the counselors. Sharon tries to help Kelly's best friend, Robert, shop for a gift for her 17th birthday. The family throws a big party in Kelly's honor. She goes out with her friends after the party and winds up getting a tattoo, which she unsuccessfully tries to hide from Sharon.
#3 - No Vagrancy
Season 1 - Episode 8 - Aired 4/23/2002
Jack invites his friend Jason Dill, a professional skateboarder, to stay at the house after he is kicked out of the home of yet another of his friends. Ozzy and Sharon are more than a little put off by the fact that Jack just lets Dill come over without telling them, let alone asking for permission. Dill is obnoxious and slovenly, and creeps out Ozzy and others with his habit of always scratching his head. Dill also smokes and drinks a lot, and Sharon is annoyed to find a bottle of Jack Daniels with his belongings. She decides that she is going to go to the bathroom in the bottle, but Kelly pleads with her not to do this. Dill accidentally starts a fire in the kitchen, doing damage to a pan and the stovetop. Jack is irritated by the fact that Dill is the only one who doesn't seem to be helping clean up the mess, although Dill points out that he would only make things worse. Ozzy and Sharon finally persuade Jack to ask Dill to leave the house.
#4 - What Goes Up...
Season 2 - Episode 1 - Aired 11/26/2002
Jack tries to deal with the annoying tourists who have begun showing up at the Osbournes' house since the show became a hit. He uses remote control sprinklers to encourage the trespassers to leave the premises. Ozzy and Sharon travel to Washington, D.C. to attend the White House Correspondents Dinner. The president mentions Ozzy during his remarks, prompting Ozzy to stand and salute the crowd. He immediately travels to London the next day, while Sharon returns to Los Angeles to watch Kelly perform "Papa Don't Preach" at the MTV Movie Awards. Kelly believes that Jack is jealous of her success, but he seems genuinely excited for her as he watches her performance. Jack also tracks one of his favorite actresses, Natalie Portman, and gets to sit on her lap. Kelly moves to New York for a few months to work on her album. As Sharon travels with her, she comments on the family's success and expresses her fear that something terrible will come along to bring them back to earth.
#5 - ...Must Come Down
Season 2 - Episode 2 - Aired 12/3/2002
Sharon recuperates at the family's Malibu beach house while undergoing treatment for colon cancer. She vows to beat the disease, and tries to maintain as normal a life as possible. Everyone talks about their reactions to the news of her diagnosis. Ozzy struggles to remain sober while on tour with Ozzfest. He had already been going through detox, and the news of Sharon's illness has made a difficult situation much worse. A family friend/employee tries to help Ozzy by helping him get into yoga and reading him poetry, but Ozzy is decidedly less than impressed. Some people try to talk to him about how religion helped them overcome their addictions, but he does not want any part of it. He is terrified by the prospect of losing Sharon, and doesn't want to be away from her. However, he elects to tough it out and stay on tour because he doesn't want to cause Sharon any further stress. Ozzy comes home for a few days during a break in the tour. Sharon tries to have a fire going in the
#6 - The Ozz Man and the Sea
Season 2 - Episode 3 - Aired 12/10/2002
Kelly travels to Europe for a series of interviews and appearances. She is upset when her bag is lost (apparently seized by security because of concerns over her gun-shaped pin), leaving her without any extra underwear. She first visits Germany, where she deals with several adoring fans and tries to fake her way through a radio interview conducted in German. Kelly then goes to England to perform "Papa Don't Preach" on Top of the Pops. Jack heads to North Carolina to film a guest spot for Dawson's Creek. Sharon is depressed about the fact that everyone is away at the same time. Ozzy tries to cheer her up by building a fire outside the beach house so that she can spend some time outside. The fire department gives him some advice on building a pit for the fire, but the ocean is not very cooperative. When the fire finally gets going, Ozzy gives Sharon a good laugh when he tries to catch a fish in the ocean--and ends up falling on his butt.
#7 - Beauty and the Bert
Season 2 - Episode 4 - Aired 12/17/2002
Kelly begins dating Bert McCracken, lead singer of the band The Used. Sharon worries after hearing some stories about Bert (particularly the vulgar nickname he has within his band), while Jack thinks that Bert is weird because he professed his love to Kelly after only a few weeks of dating. Kelly warns that she will run off to Vegas and marry before the end of the year. Sharon actually encourages this, saying that she needs some excitement. Sharon worries about the situation, but Ozzy encourages her to relax and just focus on living one day at a time. Sharon wants Bert to stay at the house (and sleep in Jack's room) when his band comes to town. Kelly refuses to bring him over to meet the family because she fears they will threaten or embarrass him. She finally tries to sneak him into the house, but Sharon catches them. She asks Bert about his nickname, leaving Kelly mortified. Meanwhile, Ozzy has more problems with the television set, which winds up stuck on a cooking channel
#8 - Meow Means No!!
Season 2 - Episode 6 - Aired 1/14/2003
Kelly recruits her friend Sarah to play the drums in her band. However, Sarah has never had any formal lessons, and can't seem to keep up with the others during rehearsals. Everyone becomes very frustrated, and reaches the conclusion that Sarah must be replaced by someone with more experience. Kelly can't bring herself to fire her friend, so Sharon volunteers to handle it. Sarah gets $10,000 for her services, and a job handling the slate during the filming of Kelly's video for "Shut Up." Dill returns to town, and Jack invites him to stay at the house. Ozzy is not thrilled about this, but doesn't stand in his way. Dill and Jack engage in a political debate that seems to bore the rest of their friends. They later engage in a bizarre wrestling match in the driveway that finds them stripping half-naked. One of the dogs, Arthur, becomes too frisky as he deals with leftover "feelings" after being fixed. The family believes that Arthur has raped Gus the cat, although a veterinarian
#9 - Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness
Season 2 - Episode 8 - Aired 1/28/2003
Ozzy grows increasingly tired of the dogs and their tendency to go to the bathroom everywhere. Because Sharon's immune system is very weak due to the chemo, he fears that all of the germs will cause her to develop an infection. He constantly cleans everything and tries to get everyone to wear gloves around Sharon. He also urges Sharon not to let the dogs on the bed, but she ignores him. Ozzy meets with a contractor about plans to build an outdoor kennel for all of the dogs, but Sharon quickly kills this idea. Jack and Sharon argue when she insists on going out to dinner. He believes she should rest, but she is feeling well and can't stand to be cooped up in the house. Sharon takes Robert shopping for furniture for his new room. She explains that Robert was a good friend to Aimee and Kelly after the Osbournes moved from England, so they have taken him in after his mother's death (from colon cancer). Jack bonds with Robert and shows him how to make one of his favorite treats, be
#11 - Get Stuffed
Season 1 - Episode 7 - Aired 4/16/2002
Ozzy mixes alcohol with the pain medication for his foot injury and winds up stoned. He tries to take Lola for a walk, but Sharon sends Jack to retrieve him. The Osbournes suffer through a miserable Thanksgiving. Ozzy works on the video for his song "Dreamer," and adamantly refuses to wear a bat coat. Kelly grows frustrated when the media continually mentions Jack's work with Epic Records, as she feels they are implying that she isn't doing anything with her life. She angrily insists that she actually discovered the band that Jack is helping, and that he hasn't given her any credit. She turns to Ozzy for sympathy, but he isn't quite sure what he wants her to say. Ozzy grows fed up with the family and insists on returning to the tour alone. Sharon, Jack and Kelly decide to surprise him in Chicago for his birthday. They hide from him until his birthday because they fear he would become angry if he saw them before his birthday dinner.
#12 - Won't You Be My Neighbor?
Season 1 - Episode 4 - Aired 3/26/2002
Aimee (Ozzy and Sharon's eldest daughter) schedules Kelly for a gynecologist's appointment without her consent. A panicked Ozzy fears that this means Kelly is sexually active, and refuses to listen to her claims to the contrary. The Osbournes' neighbors continually irritate them by blasting loud music outdoors in the middle of the night. Sharon confronts them, and tries to invite them over for tea to talk about the situation. They do not show up. On another night, the neighbors gather outside singing folk songs. Jack tries to counteract them by playing Norwegian death metal, and goes over to argue with them. Sharon winds up throwing a ham and bagels over the fence, prompting the neighbors to call the police. The cops arrive and tell Sharon to call them instead of getting into a confrontation. Ozzy finally becomes fed up with the late night parties. Despite Sharon's pleas, he goes next door and throws a log through the window.
#13 - Trouble in Paradise
Season 1 - Episode 6 - Aired 4/9/2002
Kelly suffers a broken foot when she trips over a curb. At the same time, Ozzy suffers a leg injury during his tour. The kids stay at home, where Jack constantly clashes with the nanny, Melinda. He worries her by staying out at clubs all night and resisting her when she tries to get him to go to school. Ozzy calls Jack and tries to convince him to apologize to Melinda. Ozzy aggravates his injury while jumping around onstage, and X-rays reveal a hairline fracture. He must take a few weeks off from the tour. He and Sharon return home and continue to have problems with the kids. Kelly upsets Sharon by showing her a fake ID. Jack and Kelly invite friends over to party all hours of the night, keeping their parents from sleeping. Ozzy and Sharon decide to lay down the law in a family meeting. The kids explain that is difficult to be expected to stick to a routine because they have spent most of their lives on tour.
#14 - A Very Ozzy Christmas
Season 1 - Episode 9 - Aired 4/30/2002
As Christmas approaches, Sharon goes on a shopping spree in New York while on tour with Ozzy and Jack. They learn that Michael, their security guard, has been arrested for robbing the house behind theirs. Michael denies any wrongdoing and insists that it was all a misunderstanding. He says he is filing a suit for wrongful arrest. The family, including Ozzy's eldest son Louis, gathers for the holidays. Christmas dinner features a number of arguments, but also several bright spots. Ozzy is very excited about the gravy he helped prepare. Jack receives a knife as a gift, but his parents want to take it away because they fear he will get into trouble with the law.
#15 - Tour of Duty
Season 1 - Episode 5 - Aired 4/2/2002
Ozzy works with a personal trainer and attends rehearsals in preparation for an upcoming tour. He also records a series of silly videos that feature him in drag (including a spoof of the "Lady Marmalade" video) to be displayed on the giant screen during the shows. Sharon and Kelly upset Ozzy with their tendency to go on shopping sprees. They try to pull the wool over Ozzy's eyes, lying about what they have purchased and just how much they have spent. Kelly takes Ozzy's credit card without permission and manages to lose it. Sharon covers for her until she is able to find it in her truck. Sharon, Kelly and some of the dogs accompany Ozzy on the tour, while Jack stays home and tries to get his own record label started. Ozzy is appalled to discover some of the garish special effects to be used in conjunction with the shows, especially a bubble machine. He repeatedly complains about this to Sharon. Sharon tries to keep the tour itinerary hidden from Ozzy.
#16 - There Goes the Neighborhood
Season 1 - Episode 1 - Aired 3/5/2002
Ozzy Osbourne moves into a multi-million dollar Beverly Hills mansion with his wife/manager, Sharon; and their teenage children, Jack and Kelly. Ozzy grows increasingly frustrated by his inability to operate the family's new satellite television system. Kelly takes Jack to task for his habit of using his name to get into clubs. The two constantly argue, sometimes coming to blows. Ozzy reveals Kelly's tendency to have tempter tantrums, which he calls "wobblers." Sharon explains that Jack is a nice guy, but has trouble fitting in with his schoolmates. Sharon convinces a reluctant Ozzy to perform on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. He later watches the broadcast (with Mike, the security guard who watches over the house), and feels that he gave a good performance.
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#17 - Bark at the Moon
Season 1 - Episode 2 - Aired 3/12/2002
The Osbournes' pets begin to drive Ozzy crazy, as they monopolize the house and go to the bathroom all over the floors and carpets. He believes that the situation could be brought under control if someone would simply remember to let the dogs outside to do their business, but they seem to be completely untrained. The worst offender is Jack's dog Lola, who tears up a couch cushion and leaves the most unpleasant deposits of any of the animals. Sharon finally brings in a pet therapist to deal with the situation, much to Ozzy's dismay. The woman, Tamar, offers some advice and tries to work with the animals, but it really doesn't make any difference. Lola goes to the bathroom on the floor seconds after Tamar has praised her. Ozzy and Sharon consider getting rid of Lola, but cannot bring themselves to do this because she is so lovable. Although Sharon promises Ozzy that they will not get any more pets, Kelly brings a second cat home from the pet store.
#18 - Dinner with Ozzy
Season 1 - Episode 10 - Aired 5/7/2002
Ozzy sits down to a multi-course meal in the dining room and reflects on his life. He says that he doesn't know the definition of a "normal" family, as he is so used to his lifestyle that he doesn't know anything else. He explains that he always encourages honesty because he had to endure so much secrecy growing up. However, his blue collar background also instilled him with an appreciation for hard work, so he tries to do enough of his own chores as he can. He discusses Sharon and the kids, and his battle with dyslexia and ADD. Ozzy is thrilled when he is presented with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and receives praise from the mayor of Hollywood. The episode concludes with a montage of season highlights.
#19 - Smells Like Teen Spirits
Season 2 - Episode 5 - Aired 1/7/2003
Sharon makes amends with her father after not speaking with him for over twenty years. Kelly keeps going out and getting drunk every night, despite Sharon's pleas. Ozzy tries to warn her of the consequences of her actions, as they can't protect her if she gets arrested for underage drinking. Pop star Mandy Moore comes over to the house to hang out with Jack. Jack also spends a lot of time partying, and ignores his trainer's repeated efforts to get him to change his lifestyle. Kelly and Robert annoy Ozzy when they disturb his sleep with their loud, drunken behavior. Sharon's father tries to give her advice on how to rein in the kids. Kelly becomes very ill after drinking too much, and claims that she is going to stay in all weekend. Sharon intentionally tortures her throughout her hangover by talking about disgusting food items. Ozzy becomes a grandfather when his oldest daughter, Jessica, has a baby girl. Ozzy later becomes addicted to burritos.
#20 - Hawaii Five Ozz (2)
Season 4 - Episode 3 - Aired 1/31/2005
Ozzy, Sharon and Jack head to Hawaii for their vacation. Ozzy continues to be miserable for a while, but cheers up following a private luau. Jack goes diving in a shark cage. His friends invite strippers to the luau, and behave in ways that embarrass him. The traveling party winds up leaving without Jack's friends when they fail to show up on time for their flight.
#21 - The English Patient (2)
Season 3 - Episode 6 - Aired 4/6/2004
After three weeks in the hospital, Ozzy is released and continues to convalesce at his home in England. He and Sharon miss each other desperately. Ozzy develops a craving for eclairs, and cannot get enough of them. Meanwhile, Jack finally gets a hair cut after two years. Sharon experiences more problems with her talk show. Publicists begin pulling their clients from the show because they do not approve of Sharon's behavior, and Sharon grows tired of the constant tinkering with the show (adding cooking segments and makeovers). She decides to quit the show, and no one really fights her on it. She and Ozzy agree that they will no longer work unless it is a project they can take together. Ozzy is able to fly back home to Los Angeles, and is greeted warmly by the family.
#22 - Sleepless in Beverly Hills
Season 4 - Episode 1 - Aired 1/17/2005
Ozzy begins suffering from insomnia. He eventually undergoes testing with a sleep disorder expert to determine the cause. Jack gets a tattoo of a cross on his chest, but Ozzy and Sharon do not like it.
#23 - My Big Fat Jewish Wedding
Season 2 - Episode 10 - Aired 2/11/2003
Sharon and Ozzy prepare to renew their vows on New Year's Eve.
#24 - Return of the Ring
Season 3 - Episode 4 - Aired 2/17/2004
Ozzy loses a diamond pinkie ring that is worth over $100,000. He becomes obsessed with trying to find it, and pleads with Sharon not to buy any more jewelry. She doesn't pay attention to his decree, and also buys his and her Bentleys. Ozzy eventually finds the ring, but is upset to learn that Sharon plans to buy Kelly a ring for her birthday. Meanwhile, one of the dogs, Colin, has to be fixed because he continuously humps everything in sight.
#25 - The Accidental Tourist (1)
Season 3 - Episode 5 - Aired 2/24/2004
Kelly and Ozzy plan to travel to England, where they are to perform a duet of "Changes," the title track from Kelly's sophomore album, on Top of the Pops. Ozzy upsets Kelly by saying that he doesn't want to come with her, but Sharon assures her that he will change his mind. Kelly's boyfriend, Rob, joins her on the trip. Ozzy annoys Kelly when he immediately complains of boredom and says that he wants to go back to Los Angeles. They later get along well while riding ATVs on the family's estate. Everyone seems pleased with their duet, and Ozzy predicts that it could hit number one on the U.K. charts. Before a talk show appearance, Kelly gets into a fight with Rob. They apparently break up, and he returns to the U.S. Ozzy suffers an accident while riding one of the ATVs. His bodyguard finds him lying on the ground, unconscious.