The BEST episodes written by Zachary Shatzer
#1 - Star Wars: The Last Jedi
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 270
Every now and then here at RiffTrax we like to feature an obscure little indie movie that went by unnoticed. Just to make sure everybody gets that we’re real film buffs, y’know? So, to that end, here’s an underappreciated gem known as Star Wars: The Last Jedi! We’ve seen Star Wars movies with Luke Skywalker. We’ve seen Star Wars movies with weird space milk. But now, finally, we have a movie with Luke Skywalker drinking weird space milk straight from the teat of a… a something. His wife? It’s probably his wife. Hopefully they’ll get around to clearing up that relationship somewhere around Episode 52 or 53. It’s got a scum-filled casino (NOT a scum-filled cantina, how dare you suggest it’s anything like a cantina). It’s got a flyboy making catastrophically bad decisions, but everybody is still okay with him because he’s cute. It’s got space-texting AND space-Skyping. But who are we kidding? You’ve seen this movie, maybe more than once. It’s time to see it again, the right way, the way Mon Mothma and the blessed St. Jek Tono Porkins would’ve wanted you to see it. Many Bothans died laughing to bring you this riff. We’ve got Porgs on the grill, come on over and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Star Wars: The Last Jedi!
#2 - The Phantom Creeps
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 278
Bela Lugosi! An ugly robot! The power of invisibility! A military intelligence officer romancing an ambitious reporter! All of these exciting-sounding elements are undeniably contained within the runtime of The Phantom Creeps! Originally released as 12 serial episodes - some of which were riffed on MST3K - The Phantom Creeps was later stitched together into this feature-length film. Taking a big story like that and compressing it into something much shorter would take a lot of artistry and skill. It sure would. Fortunately for us at RiffTrax, that is NOT what happened here! Bela Lugosi plays Dr. Zorka, a mad scientist who has taken on a few too many projects at once. Robots, invisibility belts, picking up hitchhikers and then immediately driving them off cliffs, he’s a busy guy. Fortunately he has help from his beefy henchman Monk. Fans of the Batman serial we riffed will remember Gabe, another great henchman. If you liked Gabe, you’re gonna love Monk. The fact Monk and Gabe never got their own spinoff is a real shame, as all serious film scholars would definitely agree. The Phantom Creeps is full of mysteries, chief among them, exactly what element of it is supposed to be the phantom, or the creeps, or what? Puzzle it out with Mike, Kevin, and Bill!
#3 - Terror in the Wax Museum
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 280
Terror in the Wax Museum is a redundant title. Obviously, there has never been a movie wax museum that wasn’t swarming with unimaginable terrors, just as there has never been a John Carradine movie where he didn’t dodder around a secret laboratory full of Bunsen burners and dry ice. (Many people forget that during the famous “I’ll be there” speech in Grapes of Wrath, John’s in the background getting his tongue caught in a beaker.) When bodies start turning up in London, there’s only possible explanation: the various wax dummies have gained sentience and started murdering people. It’s actually a lot more plausible than the actual twist the movie serves up. Along the way you’ll get to watch people gawk at history’s greatest monsters: Jack the Ripper, Genghis Khan, Lizzie Borden, and the local lounge singer who, though she technically never killed anybody, really needs to improve her vocal range or at the very least learn another damn song! Mike, Kevin, and Bill all hope to one day be enshrined in Madame Tussauds. Until then, they’ll be setting for this riff.
#4 - Trucker's Woman
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 281
If the old dusty carousel of audio cassettes at a truck stop could be distilled into a movie, this would be that movie. From the title to the fashion to the hair to the faces, one of the most 70s things you will ever experience is Trucker’s Woman! It’s a classic tale: a middle-aged man drops out of college when his trucker father is murdered by trucking mobsters, then immediately becomes a trucker himself so he can get to the bottom of things. Because there’s obviously no other way! Along the path to vengeance, the titular Trucker makes time to make time with various truck stop ladies at various truck stops and other trucking-based locations. Which one of these women is the Trucker’s Woman from the title? Not clear! All that, plus a nice role for Doodles Weaver! Don’t know who Doodles Weaver is? You will after this. He’s easily one of the top five most famous people with the name “Doodles,” after all. This movie is so 70s that it’s basically the Guy From Harlem of trucking movies, and that’s high praise indeed. Hop in the cab with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, and tune the CB radio to Trucker’s Woman!
#5 - The Sorcerer's Apprentice
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 288
No, it’s not the terrible Sorcerer’s Apprentice movie with Nicolas Cage, come on, we wouldn’t do that to you. It’s something MUCH WORSE than that! The Sorcerer’s Apprentice comes from the same childlike-whimsy mill that brought us The Little Unicorn and Merlin: The Return. Speaking of Merlin: The Return, Merlin returns in this movie, too. There’s just something so compelling, and public domain, about that character! But this time, he’s played by the endlessly magical Robert Davi. And evil sorceress Morgana? None other than Kelly LeBrock, here to finally settle the question posed by Ghosthouse: who’s more popular in Denver, her or Kim Basinger? We’ll find out at last! We’ll also find out if the little blonde boy who’s in all of these movies fits in at his new school, reconnects with his father, and impresses a girl with his card tricks (okay, we all know that last one’s not happening). Okay, Merlin has returned three more times since we started this paragraph, so hurry up and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice!
#6 - The Girl from Rio
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 289
The Girl From Rio, as you might guess, is about the island nation of Femina, which is inhabited by scantily clad superwomen intent on conquering the world. At some point, one of them goes undercover as a nail salon worker in Rio. In retrospect, the marketing department realized that they should have put more emphasis on the machine gun toting babes and less on the manicures. Also deserving less emphasis? The movie’s leading man, Jeff, a spy who on a scale of Jason Bourne to James Bond rates somewhere around the level of bathtub mildew. He’s come to Rio to kick ass and wear size fifteen sport shirts and fortunately the hotel is well stocked with size fifteen sport shirts. It must be a Rio thing. It’s Carnival time, so grab your beads and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill before the Girl From Rio pulls a Guy From Harlem and moves to Miami.
#7 - RiffTrax Live: The Giant Spider Invasion
RiffTrax - Season 6 - Episode 30
The Giant Spider Invasion, one of the most popular MST3K movies ever, is coming to a Theater near you along with the mighty men of RiffTrax! There’s a monster in Wisconsin, and it’s going to slowly, VERY slowly, strike TERROR INTO YOUR HEART! Sure, your grandma could outrun it, but TERROR is more fun! When a fiery meteor lands in the woods, strange things begin to happen in this small Wisconsin town — even weirder than usual, and that’s a pretty high bar! While the townspeople are picked off by spiders of varying sizes, two esteemed scientists ramble around the countryside in a late model sedan, where they find friendship, romance and a big mechanical spider built on a Volkswagen Beetle chassis! Starring Alan Hale Jr, the (Skipper from Gilligan’s Island), Barbara Hale (Perry Mason, and no relation to the Skipper) and Robert Easton, who’s been in more movies than a No Smoking disclaimer, Bill Rebane’s The Giant Spider Invasion explodes across the screen in a pristine new digital transfer. Join Bill, Mike and Kevin as they serve up the cheesiest cheese America’s Dairyland has to offer, LIVE in movie theaters nationwide.
#8 - Rats: Night of Terror
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 290
The atomic bombs have fallen, and a plucky brigade of… well, let’s face it, morons, are all that remains of humanity. For reasons unexplained, they go into town. Why do they live in out in the desert instead of town? This is also not explained. When it turns out that the building they’ve chosen to spend the night in is infested with rats who begin to pick them off one by one, why do they not leave? Not explai—Hey, you’re already ahead of us! Rats: Night of Terror delivers an abundance of the first word of its title, and pretty much none of the last word. You’ll meet characters such as Video, Chocolate, Lucifer, and Rat Victim #2. You will wonder how someone gets a job dumping buckets full of live rats onto willing actors, because honestly, it seems kind of fun. And you will encounter a titanicly idiotic plot twist that we really wish happened earlier in the movie. Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill (all apprentice rat wranglers) for Rats: Night of Terror!
#9 - Zombie - AKA I Eat Your Skin
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 291
Zombie, AKA I Eat Your Skin, the movie so nice they named it twice! Or, if you’re more into “facts,” the movie they renamed for a re-release in 1970 to be paired with I Drink Your Blood. It was an interesting move to change the name to I Eat Your Skin, though, since the movie contains absolutely no skin-eating at all. Not even an earlobe nibble! A more accurate title would have been I Occasionally Chop Off Heads With a Machete Because I’m The Voodoo Kind Of Zombie, Not The BRAAAAINS Kind. See how snappy that would have been! Our hero is an oversexed pulp novelist who gets swarmed by women everywhere he goes, like he’s a Beatle or something. This time, he’s going to an island, and, we’re not kidding about this, the island is called Voodoo Island. What could go wrong? Well, plenty, because the island is home to a scientist who’s trying to cure cancer with snake venom, which keeps turning people into zombies instead. Big Pharma strikes again! Will the novelist, his new girlfriend, and his alcoholic publisher friend get away with their lives? Will a novel be written? Will any skin be eaten? (The answer to that last one is a definitive NO). Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a weekend jaunt down to Voodoo Island for Zombie, AKA I Eat Your Skin!
#10 - Blood Theatre
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 292
Every time the Blood Theatre has opened for business, someone has died. But this time, the most incompetent theater owner in town has a good feeling about his chances! After all, he’s the brains behind such innovations as the totally necessary “movie theater employee locker room” and the enormous PA system that’s constantly blaring announcements to people who have already bought their damn tickets. So it will come as no surprise that things immediately go wrong and people die. But at least their theater uses real butter instead of that gross artificial stuff! One thing the Blood Theatre has going for it? It doesn’t show movies directed by Hobgoblins auteur Rick Sloane. Unfortunately, this huge plus is immediately negated by the fact that Blood Theatre itself is directed by Rick Sloane. It’s up to you if you wanna join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the riffing; the rest of us are gonna watch a nice, safe Neil Breen movie instead.
#11 - Giant from the Unknown
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 293
You know that feeling when you’re being chased by a murderous re-animated giant, and you’re like, “Where’s he FROM? What middle school did he go to? I wonder what he’s all about?” but there’s no time for small talk because he’s a murderous giant trying to murder you? Well, good news, we’ve found a movie that tackles this awkward situation head-on: Giant from the Unknown! A sleepy mountain town called Pine Ridge has a big problem: someone’s been mutilating their cows. Ah, it must be the giant from the title of the movie, you’re probably thinking. Spoiler alert: nope! Who IS mutilating the cows? Another spoiler: we never find out! It’s just one of the many confusing joys of this movie, with its unlikeable sheriff who seems like a villain but isn’t, and its Giant from the Unknown who is quite clearly a Giant from Spain, as the archaeologists searching for him make extremely clear over and over again. WILL we find out where the Giant is from? (Yes, Spain). WILL the mutilator of cows be brought to justice? (No, that storyline won’t be resolved in any way). WILL the hunky archaeologist hook up with the blonde or the brunette who are the only women in town? (We’re not telling you that one, tune in to find out!) Don’t miss the Giant from Spai-- er, sorry, Giant from the Unknown, with Mike, Kevin, and Bill!
#12 - Yesterday's Target
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 295
Once upon a time, way back in 1996, the stars aligned and gave us Yesterday’s Target, a TV movie starring LeVar Burton, Malcolm McDowell, and a Baldwin brother! No, not Alec, too famous. No, not William, too handsome. No, not Stephen, too “funny.” The other one. No, come on, there’s another one, you just don’t remember. Think. THINK. Okay, fine, we’ll tell you: it’s Daniel. Yes, Daniel Baldwin! No we didn’t make him up; he’s real, he’s in Yesterday’s Target, and he’s travelled time to save us all, or something - so you should show him a little respect! In this world, unexplained eleven-month pregnancies are bringing on a new generation of people with psychic superpowers - one might call them “mutants,” or “X-Men,” if one weren’t too afraid of litigation. Daniel Baldwin, who can sorta move stuff with his mind, and a couple of his psychic pals have been sent back from the future to do… something? We’re not really sure; it doesn’t quite add up, but they do get a lot of headaches and grimace a lot. Perhaps the strangest choice the movie makes is casting LeVar Burton, the world’s nicest and most likeable actor, as a heartlessly cruel bad guy. Sometimes casting against type really works! Sometimes, it really doesn’t. To paraphrase the Reading Rainbow theme song, “Take a look, it’s in a book, it’s a bad moooovie.” If all this sounds kind of strange and nonsensical, that’s only because it is. Strap in for a psychic time-travel romp of Baldwinian proportions, join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Yesterday’s Target!
#13 - 1990: Bronx Warriors
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 296
The year was 1990. Milli Vanilli began their unstoppable march up the pop charts. The Church Lady was the favored impression of dorky dads everywhere. And evidently The Bronx was a wasteland overrun by gangs with really lame themes. There’s a tapdancing gang! A rollerskating gang! Presumably there’s a gang who only wears Zubaz pants (it being 1990). MST3K fans may recognize the sweet, lovable hero Trash from the Season 7 offering Escape 2000, the kind-of sequel to this film. Trash just wants to get to the other side of the Bronx. We think his goal is to evade The Warriors' copyright attorneys. If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably already guessed that former NFL star-turned-B-movie-king Fred Williamson is in this movie, and you would be correct. Also mentally cashing a paycheck throughout the production is Vic Morrow, who plays the era-appropriate Hammer. All things told, you could do worse for entertainment in 1990. Exhibit A: "Shiny Happy People." Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the only movie more 90s than Cool As Ice, 1990: Bronx Warriors!
#14 - Kill or Be Killed
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 297
Oh, Kill or Be Killed, where to begin? It’s a cornucopia of wonders, specifically South African martial arts wonders. If the title and long-haired karate hero seem familiar, that’s because we already riffed the sequel to this movie, Kill and Kill Again. Why did we riff them out of order? That’s a good question. Another good question would be, why were either of these movies made? The answer to both questions is “who knows, but enjoy!” The plot of Kill or Be Killed is somehow even more whacked-out than the sequel. Back in the 1940s, a Nazi officer disgraced himself when his German karate team lost to Japan in a tournament attended by none other than Mr. Adolf Hitler. Um, embarrassing! Now, 30 years later, the Nazi has built a castle hideout in the desert, where he challenges his Japanese karate rival - who is named, no joke, Miyagi - to a redo of the tournament he lost decades ago. But this time, there will be no audience, and also no purpose, other than trying to soothe the Nazi’s hurt feelings. Quite frankly, this Nazi is kind of a weenie. Both teams try to recruit our hero, karate legend Steve Hunt - played by none other than James Ryan, who you might recognize as the villainous MacPhearson from Space Mutiny (he does much less karate in that movie). But Steve isn’t really interested in the pointless tournament, he’d rather hang out with his girlfriend, who also does karate, naturally. All that, plus Chico! Chico is the Nazi’s wisecracking sidekick, but he’s so much more than that. We don’t want to give too much away, but Chico is without a doubt the real star and hero of this movie. Get Chico fever, and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the vague revenge saga that is Kill or Be Killed!
#15 - The Million Eyes of Sumuru
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 298
An international cabal of sexy ladies has set their sights on the world’s richest and most powerful men. There’s only one thing that can stop them: a middle-aged guy who wears his pants hiked up maybe three inches below his nipples. Typically this would not present a problem for such an advanced organization, but they didn’t count on one thing: this idiot is the star of a sixties movie and they are therefore required to fall in love with him despite the fact that he looks like someone who might have unsuccessfully tried to sell Don Draper flood insurance on Mad Men. Assisting our hero is Frankie Avalon, who, despite not being Frankie Vallie, still sucks big time. They’ll also encounter Klaus Kinski, who apparently was able to embarass himself in B-movies on the rare occasions he wasn’t shrieking at Werner Herzog. There’s also statue rays, army guys in tiny shorts, and killer nuns because hey: that’s Sumuru’s vision, and she’s the one with the million eyes. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Million Eyes of Sumuru, and then stick around for the next film in the SCU (Sumuru Cinematic Universe) The Girl from Rio!
#16 - Subspecies IV: The Awakening
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 300
The Subspecies movies chronicle the growth and evolution of the lifeforms developing on the vegetable ingredients behind the sneezeguard at a major sub sandwich franchise. Oh, sorry, that’s wrong, it’s vampires, the movies are about vampires. Either way, it’s probably a good idea to take some antibiotics before digging in to Subspecies IV: The Awakening! Now, don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first three films in the series, we haven’t either. You’ll have no problem getting up to speed, because roughly 30% of Subspecies IV is just flashback footage reused from the previous movies. Convenient AND cost-effective! Subspecies IV tells the tale of some very whispery, ancient, and deeply unappealing vampires fighting for power and ownership of an artifact called the Bloodstone. The story is set in a vaguely Transylvanian town full of vaguely Transylvanian people. Basically, the movie feels like a group of goth teens improvising a vampire LARP, but with lower production values. What are you waiting for, these Subspecies ain’t gonna Awaken themselves! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Subspecies IV: The Awakening, and get ready to drink a few precious drops from the Bloodstone.
#17 - Karate Cop
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 301
John Travis (Ron Marchini) is back! Who? You know, the guy from Omega Cop? Played a cop, possibly the Omega Cop? Well he’s back! Of course, he probably never left the studio lot. He didn’t seem to have a lot going on. Always changed the subject when we asked about his wife, borrowed money but wouldn’t say what he needed it for. You could hear him crying in the bathroom in between takes. But hey, now he knows karate! And it’s possible that he plays the Karate Cop! Omega Cop had Adam West and it’s hard to fill his shoes. So the producers didn’t even try and instead just nudged David Carradine awake. (He had passed out on top of a pile of rags that they were going to try to assemble into a passable Adam West dummy, but once he was awake he seemed sober enough and they figured they’d just cast him in the movie instead.) There’s also teleportation, jackyrabbit stew, a prominent spiral staircase, and a guy who paints his face like a cat who is named, you guessed it: Snake. You might notice we have not mentioned Karate. There is not too much of it. Considering the talent they were working with, that’s probably a good thing. Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Karate Cop.
#18 - Contamination
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 302
Delivered straight from Mars to a mysterious abandoned boat to the sewers of New York City to your very own home, it’s a big steaming pile of Contamination! Emphasis on the “big steaming pile” part. This is some high-grade Italian shlock cinema, full of sci-fi thrills, horror chills, and long-scenes-of-planning-and-administration spills! A large ship full of corpses and strange green eggs shows up in the New York harbor, and it’s up to Colonel Stella Holmes and a washed-up drunken astronaut to save the world. Save the world from what’s inside the eggs, you might ask? No, no, it’s just the eggs themselves. Just laying there, all big and gross and unable to move without help. But don’t get too close to the eggs or they’ll explode and make a mess! It shouldn’t be too hard to avoid them, actually. And really, as long as you don’t pick the eggs up, you’ll be fine. Still, the entire Earth is at risk! From the very scary eggs! With a score by “The Goblin” (better known for better movies like Suspiria) and an opening credit for “The Alien Cyclops” you're in for a real strange treat with this one. Get your disinfecting wipes ready and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Contamination!
#19 - The Visitor
RiffTrax - Season 1 - Episode 303
Fried chicken is delicious. So is butterscotch pudding. Ditto a tall, frosty IPA. A dozen freshly shucked oysters, yes please. Veal picatta? Mmmmm! Now, put all them all in a blender and hit puree. That’s the equivalent of The Visitor. Here’s a straw! The Visitor’s got ambitious cinematography, big name actors, and a score that makes The Goblin sound like they barfed on their Casio. But when you add them all together, the result is a baffling mess, as incoherent as it is unintentionally funny. When a young girl begins to manifest her latent psychic abilities, viewers will undoubtedly be reminded of dozens of movies with similar plots. But The Visitor introduces a twist that RiffTrax fans will never see coming: poorly rendered killer birds attacking! Why it’s all John Huston can do to not fall asleep in terror mid-scene. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, several bald children, a basketball team who can only score by dunking, an evil cabal of satanist businessmen, and the most unfortunate movie mom since Bambi for The Visitor!