The BEST episodes written by Jim Patterson

Merry Christmas (Wherever You Are)
star
8.11
572 votes

#1 - Merry Christmas (Wherever You Are)

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 20

Colt realizes what he wants for his future, Beau and Maggie find some closure, and the gang celebrates Christmas at the bar.

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The Cowboy Rides Away
star
7.94
572 votes

#2 - The Cowboy Rides Away

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 18

Beau tries to make amends with the boys, but it may be too little, too late. A job offer drives a wedge between Rooster and Colt.

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Change
star
7.93
299 votes

#3 - Change

The Ranch - Season 3 - Episode 10

Nick confronts Rooster. Running out of options, Colt reaches out to Lisa Neumann. Joanne urges Beau to make peace with Colt.

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Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
star
7.88
2673 votes

#4 - Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

Two and a Half Men - Season 9 - Episode 16

When a huge storm keeps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lindsay at home on Valentine's Day, conflict brews and relationships are strained.

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One Nut Johnson
star
7.86
2357 votes

#5 - One Nut Johnson

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 10

Alan helps Walden create a new identity so he can avoid women who are only interested in his money.

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On Vodka, On Soda, On Blender, On Mixer!
star
7.85
1976 votes

#6 - On Vodka, On Soda, On Blender, On Mixer!

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 10

Jake sends Alan a Japanese delicacy; the house comes alive with questionable Christmas lyrics.

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If Tomorrow Never Comes
star
7.84
337 votes

#7 - If Tomorrow Never Comes

The Ranch - Season 2 - Episode 20

Beau leaves the boys hanging about the Peterson ranch. Rooster takes Jen on a date. Colt and Abby fight about their future.

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I Know She Still Loves Me
star
7.83
595 votes

#8 - I Know She Still Loves Me

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 15

Beau and Maggie come to a decison about their relationship, but they don't see eye to eye about the ranch. the boys take Kenny out drinking.

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That's Why They Call It Ball Room
star
7.80
3275 votes

#9 - That's Why They Call It Ball Room

Two and a Half Men - Season 7 - Episode 10

Charlie discovers that Chelsea has not been completely honest about her finances.

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I Can't Go There
star
7.80
781 votes

#10 - I Can't Go There

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 7

Colt tries to figure out what he wants from Heather, almost breaking up with her. As Beau deals with a sick calf, Colt learns that there is more to Heather than he thought.

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Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
star
7.79
2010 votes

#11 - Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 15

When Jake brings his 36-year-old girlfriend home for a visit, Alan is concerned; Walden tries to hide something from Alan.

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Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
star
7.79
2197 votes

#12 - Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 4

Walden parties with Jenny and her attractive friends; Alan's illicit affair with Lyndsey is jeopardized.

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Springtime on a Stick
star
7.78
4190 votes

#13 - Springtime on a Stick

Two and a Half Men - Season 8 - Episode 8

Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn with Russell the pharmacist.

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Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
star
7.78
4442 votes

#14 - Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

Two and a Half Men - Season 8 - Episode 1

When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.

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Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon
star
7.78
2171 votes

#15 - Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 19

Alan and Walden end up partying too hard as they try to cheer up Herb.

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Cows, Prepare to be Tipped
star
7.78
2083 votes

#16 - Cows, Prepare to be Tipped

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 23

Walden dates an attractive 22-year-old (Hilary Duff), but ends up being more interested in her grandmother (Marilu Henner); Jake and Alan go on a trip.

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Down the Road
star
7.76
778 votes

#17 - Down the Road

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 10

It's time to market the cows, but Beau has second thoughts due to rock bottom cattle prices. Colt and Rooster navigate the complexities of their dating situations. Abby has a revelation for Colt.

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Run, Steven Staven! Run!
star
7.76
2105 votes

#18 - Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 14

Alan is faced with relationship trouble when he does not give Lyndsey a key to the beach house; Walden, Alan, Herb and Billy commiserate about relationships.

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Three Fingers of Creme De Menthe
star
7.76
2059 votes

#19 - Three Fingers of Creme De Menthe

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 14

Alan finds out that Lyndsey broke up with Larry without telling him; Walden tries to prove he is a man's man.

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A Big Bag of Dog
star
7.76
2566 votes

#20 - A Big Bag of Dog

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 2

Walden has a breakdown after his relationship with Zoey ends.

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Something My Gynecologist Said
star
7.74
2404 votes

#21 - Something My Gynecologist Said

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 8

Alan feels reluctant to make a commitment to Lyndsey, but an unexpected source inspires him; Walden enjoys being the boy-toy of a wealthy older woman.

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Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
star
7.72
2628 votes

#22 - Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 3

Lyndsey and Alan try to add a little excitement to their love life.

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Sittin' on the Fence
star
7.72
633 votes

#23 - Sittin' on the Fence

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 13

Beau's depressed over Maggie, so Mary tries to fix him up with a friend. Colt wonders when Abby's going to follow through on her promise.

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Got a Little Crazy
star
7.71
890 votes

#24 - Got a Little Crazy

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 4

Colt fixes things with Abby and upon learning that Beau and Maggie will not be home, the boys hold a party with Abby, Kenny, Heather, and her friend back at the ranch.

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Can't Be Really Gone
star
7.71
520 votes

#25 - Can't Be Really Gone

The Ranch - Season 2 - Episode 10

Colt's new responsibilities keep him away from Abby. After a memorable night, Maggie ponders what she wants for her future.

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There Goes My Life
star
7.71
761 votes

#26 - There Goes My Life

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 9

Heather sets up Rooster with her sister but Colt is worried that Rooster will ruin his relationship with Heather. Maggie and Beau air their problems in marriage counseling. Rooster winds up interfering with Colt and Heather's relationship in an even more disturbing way. When Colt and Heather go out to Cracker Barrel, it winds up being the night that Kenny proposes to Abby there.

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A Good Time in Central Africa
star
7.70
3934 votes

#27 - A Good Time in Central Africa

Two and a Half Men - Season 8 - Episode 9

When Berta takes a couple of days off, Charlie falls for her replacement. Meanwhile, Alan believes he's being stalked by Lyndsey's ex-husband.

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Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
star
7.70
1990 votes

#28 - Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 8

When Alan and Lyndsey's affair puts Walden in danger, he is forced to accept Rose's (Melanie Lynskey) help.

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Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
star
7.70
2010 votes

#29 - Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 16

Depressed on Valentine's Day, Walden tries to talk Kate into giving him another chance; Alan's holiday plans go south.

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Lookin' for Japanese Subs
star
7.70
3645 votes

#30 - Lookin' for Japanese Subs

Two and a Half Men - Season 8 - Episode 14

Obsessed and believing her to be married, Charlie starts stalking Rose. Jake and Eldridge start taping themselves doing Jackass-style stunts.

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Ixnay on the Oggie Day
star
7.70
3373 votes

#31 - Ixnay on the Oggie Day

Two and a Half Men - Season 7 - Episode 18

Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.

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Fresh Out of Forgiveness
star
7.70
296 votes

#32 - Fresh Out of Forgiveness

The Ranch - Season 3 - Episode 8

When Colt lands in trouble covering for Rooster, he tries to cash in a favor. Beau invites Joanne to stay at the ranch. Colt plans a surprise for Abby.

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Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
star
7.69
2737 votes

#33 - Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

Two and a Half Men - Season 9 - Episode 13

Walden’s ex-wife and mother try to take control of his company, so he turns to Alan for help.

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Tazed In the Lady Nuts
star
7.69
2058 votes

#34 - Tazed In the Lady Nuts

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 11

Walden teams up with a beautiful former employee (Odette Annable) on a new project; Alan gives Jenny advice about her girlfriend (Aly Michalka).

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I've Come to Expect It from You
star
7.68
547 votes

#35 - I've Come to Expect It from You

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 17

Colt plans a special date with Abby. Rooster vents his frustrations to Maggie, while Joanne gives Beau some sage advice.

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Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
star
7.67
2149 votes

#36 - Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 7

Lyndsey's jealousy disrupts Walden's and Alan's dates with beautiful women.

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You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
star
7.67
2677 votes

#37 - You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For

Two and a Half Men - Season 10 - Episode 4

A friend's visiting daughter makes Walden feel his age.

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The Boys of Fall
star
7.67
989 votes

#38 - The Boys of Fall

The Ranch - Season 1 - Episode 3

Beau injures his back and has to go to the doctor; something he hasn't done in twelve years. He learns that he has high blood pressure. Colt is asked to go help out the football team at his old high school by the quarterback. The coach doesn't want him to do so and Colt gets upset and makes a fool of himself. He realizes that he needs to make a change due to his father who isn't happy changing his diet.

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Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
star
7.66
2489 votes

#39 - Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

Two and a Half Men - Season 4 - Episode 20

Alan looks forward to Judith's wedding, while Charlie and Myra continue their romance.

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Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
star
7.65
2194 votes

#40 - Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 5

Alan tries to find out what Lyndsey's boyfriend has over him; Walden helps Jenny pursue her acting career.

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Kinda Like Necrophilia
star
7.64
2666 votes

#41 - Kinda Like Necrophilia

Two and a Half Men - Season 5 - Episode 10

Alan finds out that Charlie stole his girlfriend and works on a plan to get back at Charlie, even though this happened when they were in high school.

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Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
star
7.64
2526 votes

#42 - Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'

Two and a Half Men - Season 9 - Episode 21

Zoey and her daughter move in with Walden; Alan gets more than he bargained for with Lyndsey.

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Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
star
7.64
3888 votes

#43 - Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

Two and a Half Men - Season 8 - Episode 15

While Charlie and Rose carry on their "affair," Alan's chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme.

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Starting Over Again
star
7.63
356 votes

#44 - Starting Over Again

The Ranch - Season 3 - Episode 1

In the wake of his heart attack, Beau vows to stop sweating the small stuff -- but Colt and Rooster's latest blunder makes him lose his cool.

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Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
star
7.63
1934 votes

#45 - Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 9

Walden goes on a date with an accident-prone model; Alan's date reveals surprising personal information.

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The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
star
7.62
2887 votes

#46 - The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

Two and a Half Men - Season 6 - Episode 17

Charlie's admission that he's in love with Chelsea gets a surprising reaction from her

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Bite Me, Supreme Court
star
7.62
1958 votes

#47 - Bite Me, Supreme Court

Two and a Half Men - Season 11 - Episode 13

Marty Pepper (Carl Reiner) proposes to Evelyn; Alan and Walden plan a bachelor party for Marty.

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Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
star
7.62
3682 votes

#48 - Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

Two and a Half Men - Season 7 - Episode 19

Alan is torn between the bad influence of Jake's new friend and the hotness of his mother.

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One of Those Nights
star
7.62
524 votes

#49 - One of Those Nights

The Ranch - Season 2 - Episode 7

During a snowstorm, Colt and Abby head out of town, Beau and Joanne get cozy at the ranch, and Maggie meets a charming stranger.

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A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
star
7.62
3233 votes

#50 - A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

Two and a Half Men - Season 9 - Episode 10

Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.

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