The BEST episodes written by Arthur Mathews
#1 - Episode 6
The Catherine Tate Show - Season 3 - Episode 6
In the last episode in the series, Lauren gets hitched, Derek gets a massage, Georgie does another fund raiser, this time for dwarfs, Janice and Ray talk about a sandwich with no bread and Nan's sister comes over from Spain and Essex couple Paul and Sam return with more laughs.
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#3 - Are You Right There, Father Ted?
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 1
Ted finally escapes to a new posting at Castlelawn Parochial House, Dublin, with civilised company and frequent jaunts to Paris. Unfortunately a slight misunderstanding over some expenses sends Ted back to his old compadres on the island. After a spot of lad's housecleaning results in Ted being mistakenly tarred as a racist, Ted holds a celebration of Chinese culture to clear his name (though 'Kung Fu Fighting' might not have been an inspired choice of soundtrack). Just when it looks like a happy ending might be in store, a mix-up over some soft furnishings and Nazi memorabilia leaves the Chinese community with a sweet'n'sour taste in the mouth.
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#4 - Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The Arse
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 6
A lost bet with Dick Byrne means Ted has to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse. On cue, Len arrives with PA Father Jessup, the world's most sarcastic priest. Elaborate preparations, a camera, a skirting board, a set of watercolours and some psychological warfare on Ted's part ensure a successful outcome... or do they?
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#6 - New Jack City
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 9
After discovering Father Jack is suffering yet again(!) from "hairy hand syndrome," Ted is delighted to send Jack, by "doctor's orders," to St. Clabberts Old Folks Home (otherwise known as 'Jurassic Park'). Unfortunately, Jack's replacement happens to be one of the nastiest priests ever - Father Fintan Stack. Along with his disregard for the church, Stack has a rather irritating habit of playing jungle music loudly at 3 o'clock in the morning, and a plan is hatched to get Jack back to sort out Stack.
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#7 - Tentacles of Doom
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 3
The Holy Stone of Clonrichert is to be upgraded to a class 2 relic, and unfortunately this entails three Bishops visiting the island - Father Jack must be housetrained quickly. Only one of the bishops dies - Ted therefore considers this to have been a relatively successful visit.
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#8 - The Plague
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 6
Rabbit-phobic Bishop Brennan pays a visit to investigate reports of Father Jack sleepwalking naked. Unfortunately Dougal has overrun the house with rabbits, and a Terry & June-style farce ensues as Ted and Dougal attempt to keep Father Jack in bed, and the ever-multiplying rabbits away from the bishop.
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#9 - Speed 3
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 3
Ted and Dougal turn detective to discover who's behind the bumper crop of hairy babies on Craggy Island. However when justice is done on the culprit he takes a terrible revenge. Dougal's moonlighting stint as island milkman is marred by a bomb set to go off if the milk float drops below 4 mph. Does 'The Poseidon Adventure' hold the key to his rescue, or would Father Jack's pet brick come in more useful?
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#10 - The Mainland
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 4
A perfectly routine trip to the mainland results in Dougal almost dying from malnutrition, Mrs Doyle being chucked in the clink, Ted nearly being beaten up by Victor Meldrew, and Father Jack joining Alcoholics Anonymous. A chance encounter with old friends Noel Furlong and the St. Luke's Youth Group in some spooky caves spells spelaeological trouble for our heroes.
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#11 - Episode 4
Big Train - Season 1 - Episode 4
The difficulties of being a police sketch artist are uncovered and there is an alternative interpretation of the famous film 'Matter of Life'. Adolf Hitler is in an unusually jovial frame of mind and the World Stare-Out Championships continue with Nanak versus Duran.
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#12 - Going to America
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 8
Ted performs a genuinely unselfish act, and is rewarded with the offer of a parish in California - his wildest dreams come true. However, parting from his long-time companions at the Parochial House proves tricky. Unless Ted can break the news of his departure tactfully to Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle, he won't be going to America...
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#13 - Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest
Father Ted - Season 1 - Episode 6
After an overdose of floor polish, Father Jack finally bites the dust, and Ted and Dougal discover they've been left a fortune in his will...providing they allay his fear of being buried alive by spending a night with him in the crypt.
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#14 - A Song for Europe
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 5
Fathers Ted and Dougal enter A Song For Europe with My Lovely Horse. The tune is stolen from the b-side of a Norwegian song that didn't even win A Song For Norway but the lyrics are all their own work. Somehow they get through to Eurovision and score.... nil points.
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#17 - Flight into Terror
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 10
Ted and co. end up being crammed in a plane along with every other priest who has appeared in their lives after a visit to the Shrine of Kinlettle. In a fit of the usual stupidity, Dougal manages to empty the fuel tanks on the plane. To make matters worse, there are only two parachutes to go around many more priests, so Ted devises a way for the priests to compete for the parachutes. Unfortunately, Jack has other plans for the parachutes.
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#18 - Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 8
Ted and co. enter a giving-things-up-for-Lent contest and soon discover that abstinence is easier preached than done. Father Jack sobers up for the first time in years, but Dougal and Ted find their resolve wavering. To strengthen their vows Ted calls in a nun to supervise them. She turns out to be a sadist of the first water, and the results are inevitable.
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#19 - Night of the Nearly Dead
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 7
Jumper-wearing pop sensation Eoin McLove comes to visit. Unfortunately his presence leads hundreds of infatuated middle-aged ladies to surround the house, and the usual hilarious mix-ups ensue. But McLove's easy-going stage persona masks a terrible secret..
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#21 - Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 2
Ted gets mixed up in a web of intrigue and double-cross when he bets the Parochial House heating budget on Chris, the burping sheep. The lads bring Chris to stay at the house in an attempt to improve his chances at 'King of the Sheep 98', but can Ted quell his burping in time for the great day?
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#23 - Escape from Victory
Father Ted - Season 3 - Episode 5
It's the All-Priests Over-75s Five-A-Side Football challenge, and disaster looms when Ted's star player is nobbled by a bottle of Dreamy-Sleepy Nighty Snoozy-Snooze. Fortunately a pair of fake rubber arms and a remote-controlled wheelchair put our lads in with a chance of beating Dick Byrne this year. As long as they can fool the referee...
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#24 - Entertaining Father Stone
Father Ted - Season 1 - Episode 2
The world's most boring priest comes to stay, and he just won't go away. After his worst ever birthday party, Father Ted prays for deliverance from Father Stone, but a sign from God wasn't what he expected.
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#25 - Episode 3
The Catherine Tate Show - Season 1 - Episode 3
Meet the Doncaster Spinners' ageing majorette, the manipulative nan and the enigmatic cop.
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#26 - Episode 6
The Fast Show - Season 2 - Episode 6
BBC introduces Monkfish the chauvinistic cop, Piles Soylent appears on Jazz Club with his band The Jazz Mess, Thats Amazing presenter shows off a magical pen, The Posh Cockneys asks for directions.
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#27 - Hell
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 1
Ted, Dougal and Jack go on an all-expenses-spared holiday to Kilkelly Caravan Park. They meet a young couple, and are soon in trouble with the police. Entertainment comes in the shape of St Kevin's Stump and the Magic Road. Father Jack goes missing; Father Noel Furlong and his youth group turn up to put the final nail in the coffin of the holiday.
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#28 - Think Fast, Father Ted
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 2
The roof of the Parochial House is leaking, and Ted decides on a raffle to raise the funds, with a car as the prize. Unfortunately, an accident with a cyclist puts something of a dent in the vehicle. A similar car is borrowed from the Dancing Priest in order to save the raffle; however, the priests must then win in order to return the car. Despite this intrigue, the roof does not get repaired.
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#29 - And God Created Woman
Father Ted - Season 1 - Episode 5
A blossoming romance between Father Ted and steamy novelist Polly Clarke threatens to come between a group of visiting nuns and their favourite priest. Among other things, Ted delivers an entire service in a matter of milliseconds, and becomes involved in an armed robbery.
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#30 - The Passion of Saint Tibulus
Father Ted - Season 1 - Episode 3
The local cinema is showing a film condemned by the Church for its X-rated and blasphemous depiction of Saint Tibulus. Bishop Brennan is dispatched to the island to ensure that the priests take to the picket line in protest. But their defiant stand only gives more publicity to the film, which becomes an overnight success. It is left to Father Jack to stop the Bishop from sending them packing.
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#31 - Episode 2
The Fast Show - Season 3 - Episode 2
An actor takes six hours in makeup, Colin Hunt tries to fix the photocopier, Monkfish goes undercover, Johnny Nice Painter has a panic attack, Indecisive Dave talks about the England Squad, Roger Nouveau attends a football match, Competitive Dad watches his sons on stage.
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#32 - Episode 5
The Fast Show - Season 2 - Episode 5
Unlucky Alf finds a girlfriend, Renee and Roy talks about flying, Carl Hooper talks about animal freaks, The Tweed Man buys a pair of trousers.
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#33 - Competition Time
Father Ted - Season 1 - Episode 4
It's the 'All Priests Stars In Their Eyes Lookalike Competition', and showbusiness personality Henry Sellers, a former alcoholic, has landed on the island to host the festivities. Father Ted is determined not to go as Mother Teresa again, but he isn't the only one to think of Elvis. It takes some quick thinking to beat Father Byrne's team from nearby Rugged Island.
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#35 - Rock A Hula Ted
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 7
Ted is asked to compere the 'Lovely Girls' competition while Dougal is left in charge of the house. Father Jack is mistaken for Bob Geldof and Dougal manages to give the house away to a feminist rock star called Niamh Connolly. Ted has to get the house back, but how will this affect his dinner plans with the winner of the 'Lovely Girls' competition?
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#36 - Episode 4
The Fast Show - Season 3 - Episode 4
The Ghoul gives a tip on a football match, The Off-Roaders are living in the wild, Dave Angel The Eco Warrior talks about global warming, Ron Manager talks about baldness, A Rambler asks for directions, Thats Amazing discusses Robots, Arthur Atkinson appears in a seventies sex comedy.
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#37 - Episode 8
The Fast Show - Season 3 - Episode 8
The Off-Roaders go White Water Rafting, Colin Hunt goes to a restaurant, Ted and Ralph attend Mrs Ted's funeral service, Chanel 9 presents a childrens program, Dave Angel Eco Warrior explores Naturism.
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#38 - Good Luck, Father Ted
Father Ted - Season 1 - Episode 1
Ted gets his chance to be on television when he is to be interviewed by a magazine programme. 'FunLand', the most pathetic travelling fair ever invented, has come to Craggy Island, and while Ted is distracted with Father Jack, Dougal seizes his moment of glory.
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#39 - Episode 7
The Fast Show - Season 2 - Episode 7
Professor Denzil Dexter steals a skull from another labratory, Bob Fleming tries out some cough medicine, Indecisive Dave talks about his holidays, Arthur Atkinson swears in front of his audience, Competitive Dad plays Monopoly, Chris the Crafty Cockney looks after a woman's bag.
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#40 - Episode 3
The Fast Show - Season 3 - Episode 3
The Squeamish Zoo keeper is feeding the penguins, Chris the Crafty Cockney is talking to a newspaper seller, The Suit You Tailors show a new boy the ropes, The Deaf Stuntman throws himself off a roof, The Off-Roaders go Potholing, Competitive Dad tries weightlifting.
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#41 - Anger Man
Toast of Tinseltown - Season 1 - Episode 1
After a successful visit to an anger management centre, Toast is a new man and sets about apologising to all the people he's been rude to. However, when he reveals the extent of his wrongdoing to Purchase, the pair come face to face at the Colonial Club.
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#42 - Episode 3
The Fast Show - Season 1 - Episode 3
Ron Manager talks about Soccer, The Off-Roaders get stuck, Ralph finds Ted fishing, A Chorus Girl surprises everyone with her singing, Unlucky Alf tries to catch a bus, Tommy Cockles talks about the late comedian Arthur Atkinson, Prof Denzil Dexter builds a time machine, Mime from the Isle of Man by Jack Pott and Tom Bowler.
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#44 - Episode 5
The Fast Show - Season 3 - Episode 5
Chris the Crafty Cockney is feeling depressed, The Deaf Stuntman rides his bike into the docks, Competitive Dad plays Tennis, Chanel 9 has its annual awards, Old Archie talks about religion, A posh man goes to buy a suit from the Suit You Tailors.
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#45 - The Old Grey Whistle Theft
Father Ted - Season 2 - Episode 4
Ted goes on a picnic, Mr Benson's whistle is stolen and Dougal learns an important lesson about true friendship. Ted narrowly avoids incriminating himself to save Dougal's worthless hide
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#46 - Episode 6
The Fast Show - Season 3 - Episode 6
Unlucky Alf gets electrocuted, Colin Hunt goes to the pub, Cliff the Crafty Copper books someone who asks for directions, Jazz Club with Witch Doctor Jeremy Queeg, The I'll Get Me Coat man discusses being Middle-Class, Swiss Toni explains his nickname, Competitive Dad talks about his paintings, Old Archie talks about chess, The 13th Duke of Wybourne is alone with his best friend's wife, Arthur Atkinson appears in his first film, Thats Amazing features a mad professor, Ralph has bad news for Ted.
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#47 - Episode 7
The Fast Show - Season 3 - Episode 7
Patrick Nice talks about his prophecies being fulfilled, The Deaf Stuntman sets himself on fire, Paul makes Swiss Toni a coffee, Billy Bleach talks about mixed races, Chanel 9 presents a cooking program, Old Archie talks about the ballet, Sullivan Rhodes presents the Indie Club, The Suit You Tailors blackmail a customer, Dave Angel The Eco Warrior is sitting at a campsite with his new hippy friends.
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#50 - LA Story
Toast of Tinseltown - Season 1 - Episode 2
Toast gets offered his first part in a major Hollywood film, but will he get through the increasingly bizarre auditions?
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